Attic Tales

You’ve just broken up with yet another awful boyfriend and in a moment of self-righteous indignation, you decide to swear off men.  ALL OF THEM.  Penises be damned, you’re becoming a lesbian!

Here’s a mostly harmless anecdote for you: a few years ago, when I was still living in New Brunswick, a married woman stalked me for a week.  She was from Montreal and had read an article I had written for the lesbian magazine Treize.  She was convinced that being with a woman would be far better than being with her husband and she wanted us to hook up. 

I was shocked.  She had actually brought her husband and her 3 children down to Moncton, under the pretext that it was a vacation.  I agreed to have coffee with the lady.  Not because I wanted to have an affair with her, but simply so I could talk some sense into her.

Had this mother and wife told me she was gay or bisexual, I would have understood her pain and frustration.  However, the reality was that she felt trapped in an unhappy marriage and was convinced that a relationship with a woman would make her life so much easier.  I must confess I laughed at her.  While I sincerely believe there are indeed advantages to dating women, there are just as many disadvantages.  So for those of you who want to forsake men just because you think they’re all scumbags, this list is for you:

1. You remember how your ex-boyfriend would complain about your mood swings while you were pre-menstrual? Now you know what he meant because you get to witness the same emotional rollercoaster with your new girlfriend.

2. You have your period.  Your lover has her period too.  There’s only one tampon left in the house.  I don’t care how much she says she loves you, she’s going to take the last damn tampon.

3. Just because she has a vagina as well does not for a better lover make. You remember how you were always complaining to your ex-boyfriend about how he wasn’t that great with the oral sex?  Now you’re getting the same complaint from your new girlfriend.  Just because you’re a girl, doesn’t mean you’re all that great with the girl parts either.

4. You remember how you used to be able to manipulate your ex-boyfriend when you pouted or faked your tears?  Well you can’t play those games anymore because your new girlfriend plays them too.

5. You remember how your ex-boyfriend would open up the jar of pickles whenever you had a craving?  The jar of pickles will now be gathering dust in your refrigerator because your new girlfriend is just as weak as you are.

6. Do you really think your wardrobe has doubled overnight?  Silly girl.  Your new girlfriend can “borrow” your clothes too.

7. You remember how you criticized your ex-boyfriend about how he wouldn’t open up to you emotionally?  Well now with your new girlfriend you’ll get hours and hours of emotional honesty.  In the beginning you’ll feel closer, more connected, but this feeling of bonding will wear off rather quickly and you’ll cringe whenever you hear the words “Honey, we need to talk.”

8. Just because you’re dating a girl doesn’t mean she’s not going to watch Sunday afternoon football, drink beer and ignore you.

9. It also doesn’t mean that she’s going to be neat and pick her socks up off the floor.

10. When she tells you she has a headache…you know she doesn’t.

What happened to the married woman, you ask?  As we were drinking our coffee, her husband showed up to show me a picture of his family.  He wanted me to know what the children looked like just in case I was thinking of sleeping with his wife and destroying his family.  Awkward.

While the wife and husband were yelling at one another in the mall, I quietly slipped away, telling myself that I had convinced this woman that she would be miserable whether she was with a man or a woman.

I’m helpful that way.