Ah spring! It’s time to shed our winter blues and coats for some spring joy and sexy tank tops. Like bad weeds and bears, lesbians, in their natural habitat, have a tendency to emerge once spring has truly sprung. After many months of hibernation, lesbians are once again ready to sprout or hunt, depending on which terrible analogy you prefer.
Here’s a mostly harmless observation for you: once the single lesbian has found a partner, she stops socializing with other single lesbians in order to be with her mate, hence triggering the winter hibernation cycle. How does this differ from any other woman, straight or gay, you ask? It doesn’t…except for one small difference that occurs right before the arrival of summer. The hibernating lesbian transforms into either the socializing lesbian or the predatory lesbian.
The socializing lesbian – after a long winter of following the same routine of waking up with her girlfriend, eating with her girlfriend, sleeping with her girlfriend, and occasionally even going out to see a movie with her girlfriend – has, like a bad weed, withered away after months of MONOTONY.
To blossom once again, the socializing lesbian needs to spread some ”fertilizer”. She will therefore call all of her neglected friends – at least those who are still speaking to her – and bullshit them as to why she’s been such a bad person. She begs for their forgiveness and promises she’ll never hibernate again. Once all of her manure has been evenly spread, she then asks her friends to come and hit every lesbian bar in town…which usually means just the one.
To continue with my awful analogy, bad weeds need sunlight and water to thrive. The socializing lesbian only needs disco lights and alcohol. However, once the first frost hits, she begins to change her col…ah forget it…she goes back to her old habits and shacks up with her girlfriend for another 8 months.
I myself have been prone to this particular transformation. A few years ago, I was invited to a spring party. Wanting to release my 8 months of pent up social energy, I decided to teach the bevy of lesbians gathered in the living room the easiest way to dance to fast-paced MC Mario type music. To this day, some of those ladies are still laughing at my PISTON PISTON technique. Needless to say, I was never invited back. But I understand why. I really do.
However, I would just like to point out that somewhere there’s a lesbian who’s dancing way better thanks to me…even if it’s only in her bedroom with no witnesses.
Because I’m rather fond of my atrocious analogies, let’s now analyze the predatory lesbian, shall we? Please note that the predatory lesbian is not to be confused with the lesbian predator. The latter is an older lesbian who preys upon younger lesbians. That’s another column for another day.
As soon as the snow disappears, the predatory lesbian, shedding a few months of MONOGAMY as well as a few layers of clothing, is ready to prowl her old hunting grounds…which just to be really clear on this again…is one lesbian bar. Sniffing the air for fresh meat, she flexes her muscles in anticipation.
Arriving at the club, she’ll immediately spot her next meal. Slowly circling her quarry, the predatory lesbian will ensure that there’s no escape. Finally cornering her prey with her bedroom eyes, she’ll pounce and devour her. And you can interpret that any way you like.
Why would she hunt if she already has a mate, you ask? The predatory lesbian only requires a mate to keep her warm during the long, cold winter nights, and if you’re from Canada, you know how freezing they can be. However, with the arrival of spring, she gently sets her prey free, watching her run back into the wild, slightly confused, slightly hurt, but also slightly wiser.
Ah… the circle of life.
