Most women aren’t at ease with their bodies. Fortunately, lesbians love women’s bodies. Unfortunately, lesbians are women. Does anyone else see this as problematic?
Here’s a harmless word for you: vagitarian.
Definition #1: A vagitarian is the opposite of a penivore but the latter is an entirely different column for an entirely different columnist.
Definition #2: A vagitarian is a heterosexual man or homosexual woman who eats lesbians. Not as a whole mind you, just certain parts. This is sounding way more cannibalistic than I had intended.
One more time: Definition #3: A vagitarian is someone who loves to go down on women; who is passionate about oral sex; who will eat pussy with relish. Relish as in “with enthusiasm”, not relish as in the condiment. Trust me, this word really has nothing to do with cannibalism.
How can you tell if a lesbian is a vagitarian? That’s a very good question if I do say so myself. Normally, lesbians have no qualms about proudly declaring to whoever will listen that they’re vegetarians, vegans, raw foodists or fruitarians. In fact, they even go so far as to try and convert their lovers, friends and families to these various organic lifestyles.
“Here, have a mocha soy bean latte,” they’ll insist. Or “You can only eat fruit that has fallen voluntarily off a tree,” they’ll order. However, when it comes to declaring to the world that they’re vagitarians, they become not only strangely quiet, but also incredibly shy.
I’ve heard many lesbians announce publicly and proudly that they’re fantastic lovers, but they never really go into detail about what makes them so incredible. They always give me a little wink and a big huge smirk and tell me I’ll find out just as soon as we’re alone. Well, after eight or nine times, I’m not falling for that line anymore.
So how can you tell if a lesbian is in fact a vagitarian? That’s such a good question, I’ll ask it again, and this time answer it. Put the lesbian to the test I say. Ask her what she calls her vagina. That’s right, VA-GI-NA. First, if she can’t say the word, chances are she’s not comfortable with oral sex. Second, if she calls her vagina the area down there I strongly recommend you just be friends and not lovers. “Whoa,” you say. “You’re being too harsh,” you accuse.
Perhaps I am. However, I have found that quite a few lesbians, upon hearing the word vagina, squirm uncomfortably or giggle nervously, or sometimes both. These are the ones who will grudgingly confess that they’re not big fans of oral sex, whether it’s receiving or giving. After all, if they can’t embrace the word vagina, how can you expect them to embrace the real thing?
Now I realize I’m being oversimplistic here. I know that, when I delve deeper into the issue, what it comes down to is how a woman feels about her body. Shyness and low self-esteem can very much influence a lesbian’s sexual practices.
My past experiences have definitely demonstrated that when my lover is shy with her own body, she’ll definitely be shy with mine. Shyness, however, is something that can be overcome, especially in the dark or when alcohol is involved.
Things get a bit more complicated when shyness is not the only factor. I’ve found that when lesbians feel badly about their bodies, for whatever reason, there’s no way in hell you can inspire them to be enthusiastic about oral sex. Hell, even I’ve been known to turn down a good frolicking session, you don’t have to pardon the pun, just for feeling bloated.
I’ve also gone out with a few women who’ve refused to go down on me because penetrating a vagina was acceptable but licking was not. So saying, they certainly didn’t have any issues with me going down on them. I wanted to publish their names but my lawyer advised me not to. Can I at least call them selfish?
Which leads me to ask just how many lesbians actually perform oral sex because they enjoy it? How many do it because they must give it in order to receive it? And how many do it because they really are vagitarians?
Don’t get me wrong. It is absolutely 100% essential and important to respect your lover’s sexual wishes and she yours. Just as long as everyone is consenting in the bedroom, it doesn’t matter how you get off.
We can’t assume that just because a woman is a lesbian, that she’ll also be a vagitarian. So next time you hear a lesbian exclaim, “I won’t eat anything with a face,” ask her if she’ll make an exception.
