Why can the gay boys grab one another’s crotch in order to show interest while the gay girls have to stand before a jury of their peers just for a coffee date?
Here’s a harmless statement for you: I want to start a revolution. That’s right. A revolution. I want lesbians everywhere to disregard the unwritten sexual etiquette required to go cruising for chicks and do like the gay boys do: be more aggressive…you thought I was going to say grab a crotch, admit it.
I’m sorry. Am I making you panic? Going too fast perhaps? Ok…I’ll slow down and explain. For any revolution to begin, you need to understand why you need one. Allow me to sow the seeds of discontent.
Imagine walking into a lesbian bar. There’s a bevy of lesbians to your left, a flock to your right and a group in front of you. You wonder to yourself – just what do you call a bunch of lesbians anyway? You realize it doesn’t matter because you are surrounded…by lesbians…sexy lesbians. You think to yourself that tonight’s the night you can either find your Ms. Right or at the very least your Ms. Right Now.
You mosey over to bar and order a drink. You wink at the barmaid because it never hurts to cover all your bases. You grab your glass and discreetly toss aside the little pink umbrella. You then turn around and try and to make eye contact with THE GIRL across the room whom you thought had sort of smiled at you when you passed by. It might have been a smile or a grimace, you’re not sure, but you’ve gulped down half your drink so you’re feeling courageous and optimistic.
You stare at THE GIRL, or at least try to, because a new gang of lesbians has just shown up and is blocking your view. You move to another part of the room where you can better see the object of your desire, or at least the object of your curiosity…after all you’ve only had half a drink.
You spot THE GIRL. Now it’s a waiting game. Will she feel your intense stare and look back? Wait! Perhaps it’s too intense! You don’t want her to think you’re stalking her! You formulate a new plan, which consists of looking around at the horde of lesbians in the room while every so gently letting your gaze return to the object of your desire every once in awhile. That’s right: desire. You just finished your drink.
You go back to the bar and order a new beverage, something not so pink and frilly this time. You again wink at the barmaid because she really is cute, and you start making your way back to your lookout spot. A new cluster of lesbians has overtaken it. You try looking for a new spot, a better spot, but not one that is too close because you don’t want to appear desperate to your potential new lover or girlfriend or whatever THE GIRL is.
You try casually gazing at THE GIRL again while slowly sipping your drink this time. She doesn’t notice you, but her friend does. The friend nudges her while announcing to the whole crew of lesbians what is happening. And as though it was an Olympic event, THE GIRL’S entire clique of lesbians turns around in a synchronized manner to stare at you intensely. You’re being sized up and judged from head to toe. Fortunately for you a new clan of lesbians has arrived and they block you from the scrutiny.
When the mob of lesbians disperses somewhat, you try to nonchalantly glance over to see if you’ve succeeded in winning THE GIRL’S approval. She has spotted you! She’s smiling and waving at you! No, wait. It’s not you she’s acknowledging but a whole new throng of lesbians that has just walked in.
You finish your drink and go back to the bar for round three. This time you’re determined to make some progress. You order a shot and gulp it down in…one shot. You wink at the barmaid one more time but there’s a platoon of lesbians clamoring for her attention and so she doesn’t notice. Forget her anyway, you suspect she’s been watering down your drinks. Plus there are rumours that she’s straight.
You decide enough is enough! You’re going to make your move! But of course you are a lesbian so you do it lesbian style. You scope out THE GIRL’s posse of lesbians to see if there’s one of them you know. Not intimately of course, because you want to be perceived as virginal, or at least as a reasonable facsimile.
Success! You spot the ex of an ex twice removed who you once had a crush on but she never knew so it’s ok. You wait patiently for her to break from the pack of lesbians and you pounce!
You hope to make it look like mere coincidence you bumping into her out of the blue like this, despite the fact that you know she knows you both know what’s going on. After the superficial small talk you “accidentally” let it slip that you’re wondering who THE GIRL is. Because you’ve had three drinks you’re allowed to be bold and think out loud.
Now comes the crucial moment of the evening. Will the ex of the ex twice removed invite you to come and join her camp of lesbians? Or will she leave you outside, cold and wet?
You’re in! You follow her into the sacred inner circle of lesbians and come face to face with THE GIRL. However, the ex of the ex twice removed has gotten distracted and does not introduce you. What are you going to do? Introduce yourself? That’s madness! Perhaps THE GIRL will make the first move! Now you’ve just gone completely insane!
Things are getting really awkward and both you and THE GIRL are avoiding eye contact. To make matters worse, you don’t have anyone to speak with because the other lesbians are either completely ignoring you or becoming quickly immersed in a fascinating conversation about how cute the barmaid is. They obviously don’t know the truth about her drinks or her sexuality.
You’re now desperate! You’re sweating in places where you shouldn’t sweat. You need to get this situation under control. You take a deep breath and are about to run away when suddenly you’re pushed into THE GIRL by a rowdy…please insert your own term for a large number of lesbians.
You look straight into THE GIRL’S eyes and apologize. The hard part is over. You’ve made contact. Wow! You’re a player.
Now do you see why we need a revolution?
Just like the gay boys we need to be bold and brash. For those of us who aren’t players, we need a technique that will enable us to get past all the bumbling clumsy attempts at meeting a woman.
Here is what I propose for the revolution: instead of grabbing a crotch, grab a boob. That’s right. A boob.
It’s simple. It’s direct. It saves time. So that you don’t get charged with sexual harassment, lesbians everywhere would wear a pin with an arrow pointing at the boob they want grabbed. You grab the preferred boob, and if THE GIRL is interested, she’ll grab yours. If you’re really lucky, she may even grope.
If she’s not interested, then you go onto the next GIRL, unless of course she’s part of the same ring of lesbians. In which case just go hit on the barmaid, whether she’s straight or not.
Vive la Révolution!
Go ahead! I dare you! Leave your comments:
Do you find it hard to meet lesbians?
1) No. I’m a player.
2) Yes. I rely on my friends to find me dates.
3) Been married too long to remember what it was like!
That said, I personally would vote for a 2 boob grab – just because then there would be absolutely no mistaking it! I would suggest a bum grab, but I just did that to a friend of mine at TO Pride and somehow the wife found it funny… so that’s not clear enough.
I personally went for butt grabs
worked most of the time… or people just thought I was funny… of course you can’t just walk around and grab whoever’s ass you want… unless you’re looking for a bitchslap! lol
I did once suggest single women should wear superman t-shirts when going to bars so the “S” would stand for single and make it that much easier to spot single hotties in bars… but I guess nobody picked on it besides me… *sigh*
omg you’re so right!
It actually happened to me once to go super-woman: I gathered all the might and power in me and bought the girl a drink, actually gave it to her IN HAND, then I practically ran away, I was so nervous!! She had to grab me back and ask why the heck I left HAHA
[...] eye contact and smile back at her. If you need help with this technique, you can read Cruisin’ for a Bruisin…or Vivre la Révolution! for [...]