Attic Tales

Welcome to the third edition of You didn’t ask but I’ll tell you anyway…a supposedly weekly advice column where people are brave enough to ask me questions and I pretend to work really hard and find the answers.

Dear Geneviève,

You talked about flirting for fun in one of your columns but my question to you is how do you seriously flirt with a girl?

Want to get my flirt on in Texas

Dear I didn’t know it was legal to flirt in Texas:

That’s a loaded question. The truth is that no matter how much I love to flirt for fun, as soon as I’m really interested in a woman and want to let her know, well the results of my flirting never go as I had hoped. Wait a minute! You’re asking me about techniques, not results! As long you don’t hold me responsible for any negative consequences that may transpire, I’ll be more than happy to give you my pointers for picking up the chicks.

1. Make eye contact with her and if she looks back, don’t look away. (I always do.)
2. If you’re in a bar, observe what she’s drinking, and when she’s almost done; ask her if you can buy her a second round. (Just make sure it’s her second and not her twelfth.)
3. Give her compliments. (Practice in your head before saying anything out loud. If she got a new haircut, it’s better to say, “I love your hair!” And not, “Finally! I can see your face!”)
4. Touch her! Caress her arm. Move her hair out of her eyes. Squeeze her hand. Rub her back and shoulders. (Don’t slap her ass or grope her, unless of course she did it to you first.)
5. Tell her you want to see her again. (Don’t follow her home. What did I tell you about stalking?)
 

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Dear Ms Grenier,

Are your Penis Schmenis characters based on ex-girlfriends?

Just Curious in Winnipeg

Dear I didn’t know there were lesbians in Winnipeg:

If you’re an ex-girlfriend then my answer is no. If you’re not an ex-girlfriend then my answer is no and yes. The characters are an amalgamation of every lesbian I’ve had the pleasure and displeasure of meeting over the years. All six characters are meant to be over-the-top with certain personality traits:

Bianca is mean.
Gemini is quirky.
Maggie is anal-retentive.
Samantha is desperate.
Nathalie is opinionated.
Carmen is paranoid.
My friend Arthur and I just make an appearance in order to laugh at ourselves and each other, or when the other characters are being lazy and refuse to come to work.

If you happen to see yourself in one of my characters, I assure you, it’s purely coincidental. Unless of course I know you…then you’re just being an egomaniac.

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That’s it for this week’s edition of YDA. Feel free to send in your questions at g_grenier@hotmail.com.  Just put YDA in the subject heading, a nickname and where you’re from.