A few years ago, I heard a theory about the connection between dancing and sex. Basically, you can judge how good or bad a person is in bed by the way she dances. In other words, what she does vertically gives you an idea of what she can do horizontally. Needless to say, I’ve been paranoid about dancing ever since.
Here’s a mostly harmless revelation for you: I never went to any high school dances. I was too shy. I know shyness isn’t necessarily a trait you’d associate with someone who is now in public relations…but believe me, back in the day, I was a wall flower.
At the age of 13, I thought you were either born with the dancing genome or you had two left feet. This theory explained why my white booty, though cute, could never shake the way I felt it should. Because of my lack of coordination, I envied my teenage peers easy assimilation of Michael Jackson’s Thriller choreography.
Oh to be a dancing zombie!
At the age of 24, after a heart wrenching break up that still sends a little twinge to my stomach when I think about it, something miraculous happened. I decided to stop being shy, and I got on the dance floor. Dancing helped me heal, rid myself of all the frustration and the pain I felt, and brought me some inner peace; not to mention some funny looks.
Now at the age of 33, almost 34 in a few days, I’m still dancing up a storm…or mild precipitations anyway. However, if I’m really feeling it on the dance floor, I can shake my bonbon when the situation demands it. And I must admit I enjoy myself all the while. That is of course until I start thinking about the dancing and sex connection.
If there is indeed a correlation between dancing and sex, does this mean if a lesbian is uninhibited on the dance floor, she’s the same way in the bedroom?
If that’s the case, there’s no hope of me ever getting laid again. My arms flail about, my hips barely move, and I’m always dancing in a corner so that I have enough space to do my little twirls without banging in to anyone….which means the walls take a beating.
How does anyone begin to analyze those moves and apply them to the bedroom? Don’t answer that.
My friends are kind and tell me that my dancing is cute…but they don’t plan on having sex with me anytime soon…if ever come to think of it.
After spending the past 2 days doing research on this matter, I’ve come to the conclusion that one needs to carefully observe key elements in a person’s dance moves in order to get a glimpse of what could happen in the bedroom.
• Flashiness:
There’s always that one woman on the dance floor that can wow the crowd with her moves. She loves the attention and knows how to get it. However, in terms of a lover, you might be getting a lot of style but not necessarily any substance.
• Dirtiness:
The day I learn to dirty dance with a woman without giggling, watch out lesbians everywhere. These dirty gals can give you incredible foreplay before even thinking about taking off your clothes.
• Exactness:
Sure coordination is a good thing but the same routine on the dance floor equals the same routine in the bedroom.
• Darkness:
The lady who dances in the shadows is the lady who will always make love with the lights off…and trip over things.
• Permissiveness:
This is the lover who doesn’t need a dance floor to dance on. She’ll use a table, a speaker, a chair, and your lap. She’s also the woman who doesn’t need a bed to rock your world.
I’m running out of ness words so I’ll end this column here. Also, I really don’t want to have to analyze what category I fit into…
How ever you dance, just remember, dance with passion. Yes, someone will be watching and judging you, but she might also want to dance with you…
After reading this blog it kind of makes you wonder, about the women I constantly see who don’t dance. They either stand or sit and observe rather than get in on the action.
If this theory is true than it would mean that those women who don’t dance also don’t have sex.
Feel free to tell me I’m wrong but be ready to back it up.
Why would I ever tell you you’re wrong? This column is meant to be taken tongue in cheek…I can’t tell you the number of years I spent not dancing…it doesn’t mean I wasn’t having sex…oh wait…I wasn’t…hmm…