You know what you want…but what do you need?
Feb 3rd, 2008 by GSGrenier
A few weeks ago, a very lovely lady asked me what my emotional needs were in regards to relationships. No one had ever asked me that question before so my answer required a lot of thinking. I know I just opened the door for inserting your own jokes so by all means go ahead…I’ll wait.
Here’s a mostly harmless fact for you: it takes a really long time to realize what our emotional needs are. We all have to go through a huge amount of inner processing before we even begin to have a glimpse of an idea of what we need. I use the word need and not want because as we all know, what we want and what we need aren’t always compatible.
Like anyone else, I need to be loved, respected, and treated kindly in a relationship. Those three things are what make for a solid foundation in any couple. However, once I get past the basics, I realize there’s so much more I think I want and need…and that’s ok…I’m not being selfish…I’m just being in touch with my feelings.
What I want is a partner who will: be a constructive communicator; laugh at my jokes and make me laugh; be sociable; stimulate me intellectually, spiritually, and physically; have a positive outlook on life; be independent; be frank but diplomatic; be supportive; be forgiving; be grateful for what she has in life; be hard working; be financially responsible; have good relationships with friends and family; be kind and generous to others; love animals and children; be open-minded; be healthy in mind, body, and spirit; recognize her flaws and be willing to work on them; recognize her strengths and use them; and last but not least, be emotionally honest with me and more importantly, with herself.
That’s what I want but what do I really need?
When I look at the relationships I have with my friends, some whom I’ve known for over 20 years, my list of wants are all met. And when I think about what I need from them, I can simplify it down to one sentence:
I need to know that somewhere in their busy lives, despite work, children, pets, home repairs, colds, allergies, school, break-ups, and make-ups…somewhere in all the chaos that can make life bittersweet, beautiful, and ever so humbling…that I’m in their thoughts every once in awhile. Ok…so that wasn’t a simple sentence.
It may sound narcissistic, egotistical, and a wee bit insecure…but I’m ok with those labels…simply because I know they’re only partially true. I’m very comfortable with the fact that I want the people I love and who love me to have moments in their lives that are dedicated to me. I’m comfortable with this because the times where they’re not thinking about me but carrying on with their lives; those are the times where I’m not only carrying on with mine as well but also finding time to think about them.
It’s like the Rolling Stones sing, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.”
Oh…and just in case the Universe is listening to me this evening…or a really cute available girl is reading this column…I also like to occasionally have my hand held…wait…is that a want or a need?
Tricky question… I read once that when people leave each other, it’s quite often for the same reasons they first were attracted to one another. An example would go: “She is so funny and entertaining!” has become “She never listens and can’t be serious!”
Wait… Did I read this here? If not, what do you think about that?
In my case, I’m thinking I tend to always love what I loved about someone.. I took me a while to understand that love doesn’t absolutely fade away, even though I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I left (or has left me) I still care for them (no matter to which level)
For the record…I’m funny and entertaining…and I can still listen and be serious…sometimes.:)
What I meant is from the loved one’s point of view… People don’t really ever change that much.. :p
oh wait.. were you hitting on me and proposing yourself as the right candidate?