Self-Love Party for Valentine’s Day

So you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, feeling sorry for yourself, and you want to throw a pity party where you’re the guest of honour and the hostess. Now you could…or you could throw yourself a self-love party instead. And by self-love you know what I mean…but we’re not at that part of the column yet…first we need a little foreplay.

Here’s a mostly harmless true story for you: Many years ago, my very first girlfriend bought me a pogo stick as a Valentine’s Day present. I bought her a nice pair of leather handcuffs. We lasted three months. Big frickin’ surprise. I only told you that story to make you feel a bit better about not being in a relationship.

Here are a few suggestions on how to throw a Self-Love Party:

• Pamper yourself.
Tomorrow, I’m going to get a massage. I’m going to focus on having every single muscle in my body become completely relaxed while letting the biggest organ of my body, my skin, enjoy being touched…even though it’s with a complete stranger.

• A feast for the senses.
After my massage, I’m going to go and buy the tastiest duck breast I can find, and slowly cook it in its own juices while adding cream and blue cheese to the mix. I’m also going to open a yummy bottle of red wine, and have a glass while I’m cooking. With the duck, I’m going to have roasted sweet potatoes basted in olive oil and Italian herbs. I’ll probably have another glass of wine.

Once I’m done with the cooking, I’ll eat by candlelight, with some of my favourite tunes playing in the background. Did I mention I’ll be having another glass of wine?

• A hot bath.
More music, more candlelight, and if there’s wine left, you guessed it, one last glass.

• La pièce de résistance aka the self-loving part of the column.
Over the weekend, I made the decision to finally put my picture up on the Attic Tales website. I did this because well…I think it’s a great picture if I do say so myself. Also, all vanity aside, if I’m going to constantly rant and rave about lesbians, it’s only fair you see who is doing the ranting and the raving. However, I’m beginning to regret that decision just a wee bit since I’m about to talk about masturbation. Oh well…the things I do for you people.

I’ve discussed this topic with many single women over the years and more than a few have told me that they don’t masturbate because it makes them feel even lonelier afterwards. Others have said they’re just too shy. Here’s a solution…and be prepared…it’s a crazy one. Whatever you use to masturbate, whether it’s your hand, your vibrator, your dildo, or whatever else tickles your fancy, give it a name and a personality.

If men can give their penises names, you can baptize whatever is about to give you an orgasm.

Happy Valentine’s Day lovely ladies!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 at 9:38 pm and is filed under Mostly Harmless. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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