Attic Tales

Let’s just be completely honest with ourselves here shall we? I mean you ladies and gents have stuck by me for almost a year…I think we can tell each other the truth by now don’t you? My friends, you and I have co-dependency issues. But just for the record, it’s ok if you’ve become dependent on this website in order to be entertained. I’ll enable you; I promise.

Here’s a mostly harmless observation for you: At one point in time, all lesbians, when in a couple, become co-dependent on one another. They join at the hip if you will, whether physically or emotionally, sometimes both. It’s happened to the best of us, so don’t feel guilty or ashamed. When you feel incredibly connected to your girlfriend how can you not want to spend 24/7 with her, in body, mind, and spirit? While that’s very sweet, how are you when it’s time to get back to your life and think about yourself?

According to Melanie Tonia Evans, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com.au/index.htm, “Rather than take responsibility for their own lives, co-dependents try to control events and people through granting compassion, advice giving, lecturing, helplessness, emotional blackmail, manipulation, guilt or anger.” Wow; and ouch. I certainly have fallen into the first two categories; and if I’m perfectly honest with myself and you, there are times when I still do.

I realized a longtime ago that I am a FIXER. I like to help people, make them feel better about themselves, and their lives. On paper, this looks like a really nice thing to do. However, I also realized that when I’m at worse in terms of co-dependency, I’m doing these so-called nice acts because I don’t want to have to face my life, and my issues. I’m fixing others because I don’t want to fix me.

Having acknowledged this particular character flaw a few years ago, I decided to always question my motivations when I’m about to show compassion, offer advice, or lecture someone on their actions and behaviour. If I feel it’s coming from a healthy place on my part, I proceed. And if it isn’t, I keep my thoughts and opinions to myself…or talk about it on this website.

To get back to Melanie Tonia Evans, she created this great exercise that I took this morning…just as a side note but does this count as real exercise? I better have lost some weight by answering the questions, I felt exhausted afterwards.

I answered YES with great certainty to questions 14 and 15; and fell somewhere between yes and no on questions 2, 9, 10, and 21. So I counted them as yes, hence scoring in the 3-8 category.

You don’t have to let me know how you did…but I do strongly recommend that if you answer yes to more than 10 of these questions, you start questioning why you are co-dependent. If you can find the answers, you’re one step closer to being the best healthiest person you can possibly be.

Trust me. Letting go is a good thing. Unless of course you’ve got your partner tied up and willing…in which case…carry on.

Exercise: Do You Need To Learn ‘Letting Go?’

Ask yourself - do you:

1. Spend a great deal of time obsessing about other people’s problems?
2. Feel responsible for another person if they come to you with a problem?
3. Feel bad when you can’t help another person with a problem?
4. Feel guilty saying, “No?”
5. Believe other people are responsible for the way you feel?
6. Find it difficult to feel happy on your own?
7. Check up on people or try to catch them out doing the wrong thing?
8. Forego your own interests because you’re worried about what someone else is or isn’t doing?
9. Take other’s issues or opinions personally?
10. Feel uncomfortable when being offered praise or compliments?
11. Tend to be very hard on yourself?
12. Struggle to nurture yourself with treats?
13. Have fear in regard to letting other people make their own choices?
14. Tend to seek love with dysfunctional partners?
15. Try to prove yourself to people so they’ll love you?
16. Feel like you are worthless without a partner?
17. Lose faith that God and the Universe will grant you happiness?
18. Often feel scared, alone, hurt and angry?
19. Gauge your feelings of happiness on how other people around you are feeling?
20. Feel abandoned when your partner derives enjoyment from activities or people that don’t involve you?
21. Say what you think other people will be comfortable hearing?
22. Have difficulty in getting to the point when you need to speak up?
23. Stay fiercely attached to people and situations even when you know you’re being damaged?

Results
18 or over
If you have said ‘Yes’ to this many of the questions you are severely co-dependent. There is a dire need for you to learn how to focus and take care of self. It is highly likely that you are often at the mercy at the life and other people and may often lose yourself. You have great difficulty in setting boundaries and sustaining your personal energy and self and self-awareness is highly suggested.
14-17
You have co-dependency issues. You may have problems setting boundaries and will often ignore your rights and feelings in favour of trying to keep other people happy. You will benefit from learning how to listen to and respond to yourself. There is a need for you to stand up and align more with your goals, desires and rights.
9-13
Even though you do have self-awareness you still may have trouble setting boundaries and defining your goals. There is a need for you to risk ‘rocking the boat’ and learning to be more comfortable with your own company and beliefs. It would be helpful for you to examine and work on the areas in your life where you may be handing your power over.
3-8
You have the ability to be quite self-aware and look after yourself. However, there is still room for improvement!
0-2
You are a powerful person who knows how to set boundaries and honour yourself. Keep up the great work!