Attic Tales

A longtime ago in a land far far away, back when I was young and ignorant, I thought that bisexuality was simply a phase one went through before deciding to be gay or straight. I certainly thought I was bisexual when I was 16, but then at the age of 20, I realized, nope, I was a big ol’ dyke. While I was waiting for bisexuals everywhere to make up their minds like I did, I witnessed a few of my heterosexual friends decide they were gay, and a couple of my homosexuals friends decide they were straight. Left and right, people were changing their minds about whom and what they were. My labels were unlabeling…it’s a word, you can use it.

Here’s a not so mostly harmless confession for you: In my early twenties, I went out with two bisexual women (not at the same time) and both cheated on me with men. I was so angry and hurt by their actions that I’m ashamed to admit I became prejudiced against bisexuality. To the extent that when I heard other lesbians proclaim that bisexuals were not only incapable of fidelity, but confused about their sexuality as well, I was the first to agree.

I’m not proud of my behaviour but now that I’m a wee bit older and just a smidge wiser, I realize how horribly wrong I was. I couldn’t accuse a whole minority of these stereotypes based on the actions of two individuals. If I was going to say that bisexuals can’t stay faithful, then I needed to acknowledge that heteros and homos were just as capable of unfaithfulness. And if I was going to say that bisexuals needed to decide which team they wanted to play on, I would need to acknowledge that heterosexual men might be right when they say that all lesbians just need to find the right men to fuck them.

With these new found realizations in mind, when I dated a third bisexual lady a few years ago and she cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend, I didn’t even think that her bisexuality had anything to do with her infidelity. In fact, I learned two very important things about myself:

1) I had abysmal taste in women.
2) There’s a huge possibility that I’m terrible in bed. So much so, that if any of you out there want to convert back to heterosexuality, whether you’re a lesbian or bisexual, come and have sex with me, I’ll set you straight, literally.

My lawyer tells me I’m never going to find a girlfriend if I keep making jokes like that. My lawyer doesn’t have a sense of humour…but may be right.

One of the wonderful things that I’ve been learning about human sexuality is that it can be incredibly fluid. You don’t have to pigeonhole yourself into one category. What it comes down to is what feels right for you in that very moment, regardless of whether you’re labeling yourself as straight, gay, bisexual, or simply queer.

I think the world would be a better place if we could all disregard gender completely and just fall in love with the person who makes us laugh, stimulates us intellectually and emotionally, and knows how to make a good cup of tea. But for those of us who are comfortable with our labels and have no intention of changing them, that’s ok. We just to be more open-minded towards those whose labels are different from our own; or who don’t want to have any labels at all.

And again, if you’re confused about what label you want to have, my offer to have sex with me still stands.