A lovely friend of mine has decided she wants to start dating again. She’s straight so I won’t try to woo her…hmmm…but she didn’t say I couldn’t flirt with her. Sorry. Chasing after straight girls is another column for another time. Where was I? Oh yeah…because my friend doesn’t want to go out to bars and clubs, a few people have recommended she try dating online. I decided to follow her on her journey…you know…for emotional support…and because I take great pleasure in laughing at her.
Here’s a mostly harmless fact for you: I do research for you people in order to ensure I only talk out of my ass half the time on this website. For this particular column, I went all out…I didn’t just type a few keywords on Google and hope for the best. Nope. I made an effort and signed my friend up for a few online dating services. The sacrifices I make for you my lovely readers.
People…I ain’t gonna lie. It’s really amazing to see just how many varieties of fish there are in the sea. When they say there’s plenty…they aren’t kidding. It’s to choose what type of fish you want that makes online dating not only exciting but scary and difficult as well.
For the past few months, I’ve been taking notes on what works and what doesn’t work online. I’ve come up with some basic guidelines to help you through the process:
• Identify what you’re looking for without being too detailed or specific.
If you’re looking for a gal who is vegetarian, pagan, Sagittarius, in her early forties, who accepts that you go to Star Trek conventions dressed as a Klingon, and likes to occasionally be spanked; more power to you. However, it would be good to keep an open mind if she doesn’t meet all these criteria…if in fact she actually exists.
• Don’t judge other people’s photos too harshly but be skeptical nonetheless.
Let’s be honest. Looks do play an important part in whether we’re sexually attracted to someone. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s very biological on our parts. It would be great if physical attractiveness didn’t play a role but it does. So saying, really take a good look at a person’s picture before disregarding it after say 10 seconds. If you look hard enough, you might see something you like in her eyes, or her smile. However, remember some women are still showing a picture from 10 years ago.
For the record, the photo of me on this website was taken in December 2007.
• Take the time to read someone’s profile…even if you don’t necessarily like their picture.
Again, I’m encouraging you to go beyond just the looks. You might be pleasantly surprised at what a person has written on her profile. You may be looking for the same things; have the same values; etc. However, I realize if you’re not feeling any sexual attraction, you might never feel it period. Move on.
For example, I’m trying very hard to see what Angelina sees in Brad…very hard.
• Depending on what you’re looking for, whether it’s a relationship, casual dating, or just a fling, be very honest about what you want, and make it very clear in your profile.
As women, we have very high emotional expectations. But let’s be frank shall we? Not every woman is looking for her Soul Mate. Some lesbians are players. Though I applaud any woman who embraces her sexuality with enthusiasm; I am the first to BOO her if she isn’t being honest about her intentions.
If you’re looking to have a threesome with a married woman and her husband…tell the truth.
• Don’t give out valuable personal information about yourself.
So you’re connecting really well with someone via chatting or emails. It doesn’t mean you should give out your date of birth; your address; or credit card information.
You also don’t have to tell her about any skeletons in your closet…the real ones. Never mind.
• If you’re going to meet her face to face, do it in a public setting.
For all you know, unless of course you’ve spoken over the phone first, you could be dealing with an axe wielding psycho pretending to be a woman.
Or if she is indeed a she, she could be an axe wielding psycho. I don’t want to be sexist.
• If you’re not feeling any chemistry, be honest about it.
She might be having a great time, and you, not so much. Be honest about what you’re feeling…while still being diplomatic. Yes, you’re going to hurt her feelings, maybe even insult her, but at least she knows where she stands and won’t waste time or energy asking herself why you’re not returning her phone calls or emails.
• You’re feeling chemistry and want to have sex.
Well WOOHOO for you!!! Just remember to have safe sex…unless you ladies have been really upfront about your sexual history and have been tested for STDs and are going to be monogamous.
Have safe sex. I’m not even going to make a joke.
So what happened to my friend and her online dating experiences you ask? She found a guy…had sex with him…and realized while she was having sex that the cyber sex with him was way better than the real life version.
Proving my point that fake dick is better than real dick. I’m laughing while I write that. No need to send me angry emails. It was a true blue lesbian joke.
AHA
You’re the best.