“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Dr. Maya Angelou
The second worse fight I ever had was with a girlfriend, now ex. She had come over to my place because we had had a huge spat the night before (spot the theme) and I thought she was going to apologize for her behaviour. Instead, she wanted me to say I was sorry for mine. I got so angry that I kicked her out. There was only room for one self-righteous dyke in my apartment and it was damn well going to be me. For the record, if we had been at her house…I might still have thrown her out. It’s not called indignation for nothing.
Here’s yet another mostly harmless admission for you: I rarely get angry with people for being honest with me…no matter how hurtful the subject may be. I get more disturbed by how they express their discontent. If there’s no diplomacy when I’m being confronted, then I’m certainly not going to be receptive to what they have to say.
Honesty is good. Diplomacy is good. Combine the two and you’re on your way to being a great constructive communicator… which leads me to point #6:
6. Don’t hit below the belt.
Are you really going to take satisfaction in making your lover flinch because you said something you know will hurt her and make her cry?
If you are…grow the fuck up. Don’t give me the excuse it’s because she pushed your buttons first…this isn’t high school…this is your ADULT relationship that is suppose to be MATURE and HEALTHY. If you and she want to be verbally abusive to one another, either break up or sign up for a reality tv show.
Remember: you both deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Any form of hitting, whether emotional or physical, is ABUSE. I don’t have to look you in the eyes to tell you YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT.
7. Your partner is not telepathic.
The same ex-girlfriend whom I evicted from my apartment would get mad at me for asking her what she was feeling and why. She argued that since we spent so much time together; I should know what she was thinking by interpreting her body language.
Use your fucking words. Always. That’s non-negotiable. If you expect someone to read your mind, you’re being extremely unfair and unrealistic…not to mention a lazypants.
Remember: You’re responsible for your feelings; not your partner.
8. There’s no future in living in the past.
Human beings can spend their whole lives regretting their past, getting bogged down by feelings of frustration, guilt, and sadness. These negative feelings can actually paralyze them from ever feeling any good ones.
Only bring up past hurts if they have been unresolved; or if you feel you and your partner are living a vicious cycle by fighting about the same things over and over again.
Remember: if you’re still battling it out over the same issues, maybe it’s time you ask a friend, a family member, or a therapist to help you think outside your box.
Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, nor does it mean your relationship is a failure. In fact, when you take the time to ask someone for relationship advice, it’s a sure sign that you’re indeed committed to making your relationship work.
Remember: Don’t try to find someone to take your side. Find a person who can be objective and actually point out what you may be doing wrong. Validation may feel great for the present; but understanding the whole picture is wonderful for the future.
9. So you can hear me but are you listening?
I’m guilty of this. I’m hearing what the other person is saying but not necessarily listening because I’m composing a counter-argument in my head.
Again, it’s not about being right. It’s about truly understanding what the other person is saying and why.
Remember: Don’t just listen to the words, but listen to the feelings behind them. The person you love is angry, sad, and hurt.
You can help alleviate some of the pain…but again…only to a certain extent…if you’ve done all that you feel you can do; then it’s up to her to take care of herself.
10. Know when to walk away.
You’re not always going to find a solution to every problem. Sometimes you can agree to disagree, or you can compromise. But there are times my friends when the only healthy thing to do is WALK AWAY from the relationship.
You shouldn’t see this as giving up. If you truly feel you’ve done everything you can do to resolve a serious issue but it’s still rearing its ugly head and making you and your partner miserable; it’s time to move on. There are just some things that can seriously break a relationship:
• If your partner keeps everything bottled up and won’t talk to you about her hurts or yours, walk away.
• If after countless discussions about her bad behaviour, your partner continuously does the same things to make you angry or sad, walk away.
• If you’re always sacrificing your happiness to make your partner happy, walk away.
• If your partner refuses to go to couples’ therapy with you, walk away.
• If your partner refuses to get help for her addictions, her mental or physical health, walk away.
• If your partner never accepts responsibility for her actions, walk away.
• If you’re staying together for the sake of your children; walk away. You’re doing more harm to your children than you realize. Just constantly reassure them that it isn’t their fault; never badmouth your ex in front of them; and never use them to hurt your ex.
• If your partner is abusive, run away.
Regardless of whether I’m angry, irritated, or hurt because of someone’s actions, I need to remember what my intention is during our confrontation…we want to HEAL…not to win…unless of course we’re playing games on the WII…then I definitely want to kick some ass.
