“May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.”
“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.”
“Why don’t you want to do what you know you should do? The reason you don’t is that you’re in conflict with yourself.”
One of the nastiest fights I ever had was with the eldest of my three brothers. He was 7 and I was 9. I can’t remember what started the argument but the end result was that he bit me my hand so hard he made me bleed…I retaliated by breaking two of his fingers. Once my mother reassured me I wouldn’t get rabies, and then reset my brother’s digits; she put up a sign on the lawn saying: two kids for the price of one. She threatened to accept the first offer that came along. No one ever did buy us that day…I wonder why? We were so cute.
Here’s a mostly harmless admission for you: I’d like to say that was my last violent fight, but it wasn’t. I had quite a few more “discussions” with my three brothers over the following years, not to mention with schoolboy bullies. At the age of 18, when I moved away from home to attend university, I decided I could continue to be an angry hostile girl with pent up rage; or learn how to communicate constructively with people. Not because I was becoming more emotionally mature mind you; but because I realized that everyone around me had grown up to be way bigger than me. While my own puberty phase might not have brought me any growth or maturity; it had at least helped me gain some survival skills.
What I’ve come to realize over the years is that whether I’m in conflict with a friend, family member, or a lover, I always need to keep in mind that I deserve to be in a healthy relationship. In order to make this happen, I’ve created a few rules for myself to make sure that any confrontation between me and a loved one proceeds in a respectful and constructive manner…or at least without anyone handing me a restraining order.
1. Be direct and not passive aggressive.
This was my #1 flaw when it came to arguing with anyone. Instead of just coming right out and expressing my annoyance, my anger, or my pain…I was passively hostile.
It’s taken me a longtime to learn how to be honest and direct and say: “I feel this way because of your behaviour/action.” Instead of letting your emotional wounds fester, say what you feel right away. It’s very liberating and your negative emotions will be less intense.
Remember: there’s no time like the present. By putting off discussing the big issues that are bothering you, the little aggravations will become volatile and explode. And trust me when I say emotional messes are a lot harder to clean up.
2. Be very clear about why you’re fighting.
Before you even begin to go into detail about how you feel, you both need to understand what the problem is. Make sure you’re discussing only one topic. You don’t want to feel emotionally exhausted because you’re tackling too many hurts at once.
Make a list of what is bothering you and analyze whether those are really the issues, or if it’s something deeper. For example, if your girlfriend is always late, is it her lack of punctuality that irritates you, or the lack of respect towards you and your time?
3. Timing is everything.
I had a girlfriend who would always pick a fight with me 10 minutes after my head had hit the pillow. It made me furious. It was like I had been lulled into a false sense of security and then…BAM! She hit me over the head with a problem. If she didn’t catch me when I was about to fall asleep, she’d pounce on me 10 minutes after I woke up…when I was even less alert.
If only our sex life had been that way.
You and your partner make schedules every day. Schedule a discussion time instead of springing an argument onto one another. I call these emotional check-ups. If you need to have one right away, make sure you’re both in a healthy frame of mind to do so.
Remember: don’t try to have a serious discussion when you’re tired and stressed out. And if you have children, make sure they aren’t around.
4. No blame games please.
You can either spend your time screaming: “This is your fault!” Or “This isn’t my fault!” Or you can work together to find solutions to the problem. It’s great that you acknowledge there is one, but it’s now a priority to actually resolve it.
Remember: it’s not about being right, it’s about healing.
If your partner is telling you she feels hurt by your actions, even if you feel like what you did wasn’t a big deal, you still need to accept responsibility and make amends. Ask what you can do to make the situation better. Or to completely redeem yourself, offer solutions that will ensure you don’t repeat the same mistake twice.
Remember: the solutions you present need to be reasonable ones that you can BOTH accept.
The same goes if you’re upset with your partner. Tell her what’s wrong, but also make suggestions as to what you both can do to help you heal.
Remember: you’re still responsible for yourself, even if you’re in a relationship.
5. You’re responsible for your feelings, not your partner’s.
You might be afraid to hurt your partner by telling her the truth about how you feel…but you know what? There’s a reason they say the truth hurts. It does.
Remember: you’re hurting your partner and yourself even more by not respecting your feelings first and foremost.
You should never neglect your own feelings by putting your girlfriend’s above yours. It doesn’t matter how much you love her. Sacrificing your own happiness in order to make the people you care about happy will not help you or them. It will just prolong your misery and degrade your relationship.
Remember: you can’t let guilt get in the way of expressing your feelings. From the little irritants to the big grievances, you need to let it out and let it go. You’re not doing anyone any favours by keeping it in.
You might be afraid of the consequences, but if you want your relationship to be a healthy one, it needs to be based on a foundation of honesty, not on lies…and yes…before you write in and ask; withholding information is lying. Which is why a little confrontation is good for the soul.
The next 5 suggestions will be posted in a few days. Meanwhile, go pick a fight with someone you love, it’ll do you both some good.
