I like watching people be in relationships. Sadly, because of restraining orders, I can no longer do this while couples are in the privacy of their homes and I’m sitting in a tree in their backyards. Still, regardless of where I’m watching them interact, they’re only a joy to observe if they’re in healthy relationships. Time and time again I’ve seen lesbians latch onto eachother as though they were the only two left in the world. And no matter how ugly the parasitic bonding becomes, they won’t let go of eachother until at least one of the two is sucked dry of all her emotional healthiness…and even then…they might still get married.
Here’s a mostly harmless statistic for you: In the space of 14 years I’ve gone through 8 break-ups, some of them good, most of them bad. What I’ve come to realize is that a lot of women have great difficulty leaving a relationship…unless of course they’re breaking up with me. That’s meant to be funny, not bitter…no really.
I myself have been culpable of making a relationship last longer than it should have. I’ve confessed before that most times it’s because I didn’t want to hurt anyone…but if I’m to be completely honest with myself and with you, it goes deeper than simple compassion. There are many reasons as to why I won’t leave the relationship…and trust me when I say they’re really bad ones:
Guilt: I truly detest hurting a lover’s feelings. What I’ve come to understand however is that I can’t let guilt overwhelm me to the extent where I’m sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of my partner’s.
To quote Sasha Van Bonbon, “Guilt is a self-imposed, self-centred way of prohibiting change or self-improvement. It is cowardice dressed up as compassion.”
Ouch! Touché Sasha…touché.
Fear: I don’t want to be the villain in my partner’s eyes, and the eyes of her friends and family. Nonetheless, what I’ve come to recognize is that with time I’m the bad guy anyway because I take out my resentment on my lover for being in a relationship I don’t want to be in.
To quote Shakespeare, “One may smile and smile and be a villain.”
Loneliness: I don’t want to be lonely or alone. Being surrounded by couples when I’m single can sometimes be hard…but I’ve learned to embrace my times of single hood as moments of complete freedom where I can cherish the way I live my life and not have to be accountable to anyone…with the exception of the police and the restraining orders.
To quote Mark Twain, “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.”
Pride: I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve failed another relationship. Yet, upon further reflection, I’ve learned some very valuable lessons from these failures and become not only a better human being but a better girlfriend for my next relationship.
To quote Henry Ford: “Failure is only an opportunity to begin again more intelligently.”
Loyalty: I won’t leave because my lover has supported me through good times and bad. For starters, isn’t that what a girlfriend is supposed to do? Just because she’s meeting the basic requirements for any relationship doesn’t mean I’m in the best relationship for me.
To quote Mark Twain for a second time, “Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.”
Time: I won’t leave because I think I just need to give the relationship more time to work. Whether I’ve been with someone for 2 weeks, or 2 years, if I’m unhappy, why do I think time is going to make things better? Even if you’ve been in a relationship for 17 years, time should never be considered a factor for staying. The history you share with your partner is just that: history. Time in itself doesn’t make a great relationship; it’s how you spend it that does.
To quote John F. Kennedy, “We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch.”
I know that when you’ve invested time, energy, and emotions, not to mention finances, real estate, material goods, and maybe even children into a relationship; it’s very difficult to leave. After all, you’ve built a life together, and you have suitcases of memories. However, if you’re being brutally honest with yourself and you feel like you’ve done everything you can to make the relationship work and it still isn’t…it’s time to go.
“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” – Unknown
Yes your break-up might be scary, sad, and painful, but please believe me when I tell you that you deserve to be in a healthy happy relationship. You deserve to have a life where you look at your partner and you don’t feel trapped, disgruntled, or resentful. In any relationship there will be ups and downs…but when the downs have outnumbered the ups for longer than you can remember, despite your best efforts for positive changes, it’s time to move on.
“A relationship is like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave it broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” – Unknown
“Whether I’ve been with someone for 2 weeks, or 2 years, if I’m unhappy, why do I think time is going to make things better?”
Sometimes a couple does need just time to piece back together things. Married couples of 20 and plus years will tell you that there are good years and there are bad years.
Agreed. However, if they are diligently working on trying to get through the bad times so that they can have good times again…fantastic. If they’re not…then I do think it’s time to break-up.