This past Tuesday I was with my friend Kelley (shout out to the Grasshopper) eating at a Korean restaurant. When my plate was brought to me, I immediately delved into it with great relish and then proceeded to choke on the hot spiciness of the dish. When I was done sputtering, I proclaimed: “Holy Crap! This will put hair on my chest!” At which point Kelley looked at me and said: “I’m so glad we’re not dating.” I looked at her surprised…it’s not like I said:” This will put more hair on my chest!” After all, I shave between my breasts on a regular basis.
Here’s a mostly harmless fact for you: there are things you can and cannot say during a first date. Your response to any topic can cause various reactions of which I’ve tried to categorize in this order:
• Acceptable
• Awkward silence
• Squirm in your seat uncomfortable
• Just plain whacko
Topic #1: ex-girlfriends
Acceptable: Despite a bad break-up, my ex and I are civilized towards one another.
Awkward silence: Everytime I see my ex, we end up in bed together.
Squirm in your seat uncomfortable: Oh look it’s my ex! Let’s make out and make her totally jealous!
Just plain whacko: It’s really strange how every new girl I’ve tried dating after I left my ex mysteriously disappears.
Topic #2: cheating
Acceptable: If at any point in time I’ve felt like straying, I always sit and have a serious talk with whomever I’m dating.
Awkward silence: Is it really cheating if you don’t get caught?
Squirm in your seat uncomfortable: I’m sorry…what were you saying? I was checking out that hot girl over there.
Just plain whacko: I’m an international spy so days and weeks will go by without me being able to contact you.
Topic #3: U-Haul syndrome
Acceptable: I think it’s important for a couple to get to know one another for at least a year before moving in together.
Awkward silence: I saw these cute HERS and HERS towels and thought of us…I mean you.
Squirm in your seat uncomfortable: Just for fun let’s go check out an open house this weekend to see if our tastes are compatible.
Just plain whacko: I have U-Haul on speed dial…how soon can you be ready?
Topic #3: weight issues
Acceptable: I love a woman with curves.
Awkward silence: Are you sure you want dessert?
Squirm in your seat uncomfortable: Wow! Are you really going to eat all of that? (Editor’s note: this actually happened to me.)
Just plain whacko: Mine! All mine! Keep your grubby hands to yourself!
Topic #4: tastes in music
Acceptable: I keep an open mind about music but I do have a hard time with French Country I must admit.
Awkward silence: I have EVERY polka album ever made.
Squirm in your seat uncomfortable: I only listen to music to music made by Mother Nature.
Just plain whacko: I only want to listen to the beating of your heart.
Topic #5: hobbies
Acceptable: I love to watch movies, play sports, donate my time to charitable causes, and drink tea with my Grandmother on the weekends.
Awkward silence: Going on dates is my hobby.
Squirm in your seat uncomfortable: I like to swim with the sharks…you should come with me some time.
Just plain whacko: I spend all my time reading Mostly Harmless columns on Attic Tales.
