We human beings are amazing creatures aren’t we? After spending a number of years on this planet, we get a wee bit cocky about our place in the Universe. We spend most of our lives narrowing down what we can and cannot do as well as what we want and don’t want. And right when we think we’ve got it all figured out, the Universe has a way of turning our lives upside down and making us question everything we’ve ever believed in…to the point where we doubt every single one of our values…except the one about farm animals…that’s a good one.
Here’s a mostly harmless disclosure for you: My last relationship was an open one. I was with a woman who not only had a husband but a boyfriend as well. Had you told me a year ago that I would get involved with a kinky, bisexual poly gal who was married to a man and had another male lover to boot, I would have laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed…and then I would have accused you of drinking too much.
Before embarking upon this relationship, the first thing I asked the lovely lady was if she wanted to get involved with a woman just for the titillation factor, specifically for her male partners. If that wasn’t the case, my second question was if she was trying to escape from an unhappy marriage. When I got a resounding NO on both counts, I began to do my research on polyamory in earnest.
I’ve always been interested in other people’s sexual practices, so while I understood the fundamentals of what a poly relationship is, I still had so much to learn. I thought who better to teach me than Andrea Zanin, a self-proclaimed Sex Geek, who is in a polyamorous relationship with her two bois. Last year, Andrea wrote this incredibly helpful mini guide to practicing good polyamory:
http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/
If you don’t feel like reading the 10 rules because you’re not into poly, and neither was I at the time Andrea wrote them, you should know I found the first five rules to be applicable for a healthy MONOGAMOUS relationship as well:
1. Know yourself.
2. Love yourself.
3. Be happy alone.
4. Communicate honestly.
5. Know what you want.
You would think these are 5 simple rules eh? Not so much my friends…not so much. Just look at some of the questions Andrea is asking you to ask yourself for rule #1:
1. What are your shortcomings within your relationships?
2. Why have your past relationships ended? Are you able to articulate what part you played in that?
3. How do you deal with conflict and anger?
4. How are your communication skills?
5. What kind of people are you generally attracted to? Are there any predictable patterns in your attractions? Are they positive or problematic?
It’s been over a year and I’m still working on finding the answers…and the worst part is that some of my responses have changed with time…which Andrea says is perfectly normal. After all, we’re hopefully always growing and evolving into better people. Our wants and needs will consequently also change.
While things didn’t work out with the lovely lady, and left me with a broken heart, I don’t regret having been in a relationship of this nature. I learned A LOT about myself, and quite a bit about what it takes to not only make a poly relationship work, but a monogamous one as well.
To those of you thinking about trying out being poly, if I may offer some advice despite my limited experience:
- If you’re starting a relationship with someone already involved with other people, make sure she is being honest not only with you but with herself as well about her intentions.
- Watch how your partner interacts with her other lovers; it will give you an idea of how she is going to treat you once your new relationship energy wears off. If a conflict arises, does she lash out in anger? Or does she communicate constructively?
- Don’t play the therapist if her other relationships are going through a difficult period. Sure you can listen to her vent a bit but don’t let it take up too much of your time together, especially if you don’t get to see her often due to her commitments to her other lovers. You need to focus on your relationship.
- On the other hand, do take note of how she is venting. Is she accepting some responsibility for her actions? Or is she always blaming everyone else? Is she always complaining about the same things and not doing anything to change the situation?
- Don’t ever be afraid to tell her what you want and need. At the end of the day, even though there are multiple people involved, your well being is the most important. You and she can agree, come to a compromise, or sadly disagree and walk away. Just try to be as respectful as possible to everyone in her life without being disrespectful towards yourself.
While I’m no longer certain about my place in the Universe, I can say with great certainty that I’m amazed at what we can learn about others and ourselves when we’re willing to open up to new experiences…except with farm animals…I’m not budging on that one.