Attic Tales

I grew up in a household full of rowdy boys who smelled like sour celery after a long day of playing outside. Despite not envying their body odour, I was nevertheless jealous of all the games they could invent using nothing but their penises and full bladders.

Here’s a mostly harmless fantasy for you: I sometimes daydream about having a penis for 24 hours. Oh I’m not saying this happens often and I’m thinking of becoming a boy; I do so love my YESYES parts…even when they feel bloated. However, there are times when I covet the penis and all the great things guys can do with it: from writing their names in the snow, to peeing anywhere without having to squat, and of course having orgasms at the drop of a hat… How can I not have penis envy?

Of course I fully acknowledge that if I did have a penis for 24 hours, chaos would most certainly ensue. I would get into all sorts of trouble and do so without even trying. I imagine my day would go something like this:

7:30am

Wake up with a strange feeling below the waist. Panic because I think something is in bed with me. Swat at it and then start crying because I hurt myself.

7:35am

Remember that I wished for a 24 hour penis the night before. Wonder why this wish came true and not the one where I wished to wake up next to Sarah Shahi snoring next to me.

7:40am

Realize I really need to pee. Go to the bathroom, lift up the toilet seat, and pee into the toilet bowl STANDING UP!!!

7:41am

Make a mental note to write to my brothers and yell at them again for leaving urine on the floor around the toilet while we were growing up. There really is no excuse. Holding the penis and aiming into the bowl is easy.

7:42am

Get dressed for work. Try to figure out if I want to tuck the penis on the left side of my underwear or the right side. I go with left.

7:52am

Prance around the house admiring my package.

7:53am

Realize I have toys bigger than my package and so stop prancing.

8:00am

While waiting for bus, check out the cute girl next to me.  Feel a little tingle in my pants.

8:01am

The tingling has gotten worse…especially when I stare had her butt.

8:02am

Need to stop staring at her butt…something has gone horribly wrong in my pants.

8:03am

Right when I think things couldn’t get worse, they do. Need to cross my legs, which makes things very uncomfortable.

8:04am

Must think of something else besides cute girl’s sexy butt, something that is a definite turn off; ironically, I think of penises.

8:05am

Hard on has disappeared but I feel a terrible ache in my scrotum. *teehee* Scrotum is a funny word.

9:00am

Arrive at work and instead of getting coffee, sneak into the bathroom to masturbate.

9:00:15am

That was a lot faster and messier than I had anticipated.

9:02am to 12:00pm

Am truly fascinated by just how many times I’ve thought about sex in the past 3 hours. There can’t be any blood left in my brain.

12:01pm

Who am I kidding? I’m always thinking about sex and there’s never any blood left in brain regardless of whether I have a penis or not.

12:02pm

Freak out the ladies in the bathroom when I scream in the stall because I got some penis skin stuck in my zipper. Take note to be more vigilant with the placement of the penis.

12:02 to 3:00pm

Have lost count of the number of times the penis has become erect just because I’m looking at women and their assets. *teehee* Asset is a funny word.

3:01pm to 3:15pm

Spend 15 minutes trying to convince the new intern to have a quickie with me in the bathroom.

3:16pm

Intern accepts because she’s curious to see if I’m telling the truth about my wish.

3:17pm  

Tolerate the intern’s laughter about the size of the penis.

3:25pm

Decline her offer to give me a blow job. If I wouldn’t do it to her, I’m not going to ask her to do it to me.

3:26pm

So saying, my mouth says no but the penis does not. It’s hard again.

3:27pm

Intern goes down on me. I’m weak and full of double standards.

3:27:15pm

Premature ejaculation is not funny.

3:28pm

Intern wants to laugh at me but feels too much pity and contempt.

3:30pm to 5:30pm

Try to avoid office gossip the intern is spreading about me. The words small and fast can be heard in whispers around the water cooler.

5:31pm

Decide to skip erections for the rest of the day.

5:32pm

The penis has other plans. I’m in the elevator with another cute girl. Just how many are there out there anyway?

5:33pm

Cute girl exits the elevator and I’m rubbing my left cheek where I was slapped. Is it my fault the penis has a mind of its own? And by the way…I can’t be that small if she noticed it.

5:34pm to 6:34pm

Read the sports section of the newspaper. Even with the penis, I still don’t know the difference between the Grey Cup and the Stanley Cup.

6:35pm to 11:59pm

Arrive home and watch as much porn as humanly possible. Think the penis might actually fall off.

Midnight

The penis falls off. I flush it down the toilet. Toilet gets blocked. AHA! I knew it wasn’t that small!