They say that the measure of a person is determined not by how much she is loved by others but by how much she loves others. If this indeed true, then I don’t think there’s a ruler on the planet big enough to measure lesbian love…I can’t even imagine how gigantic the ruler for lesbian drama would have to be.
Here’s a mostly harmless confession for you: These past few years due to a few bad relationships, I’ve slowly but surely put up some emotional walls to protect myself from getting hurt. I let them crumble for the lovely lady earlier this spring, but they were immediately rebuilt, bigger and stronger, when things didn’t work out. These walls were made with bricks of anger, cynicism, and for extra strength, I threw in some bitterness. What can I say? Supplies were cheap and in abundance.
After the lovely lady fiasco, I decided during the summer I was going to have a fling. As much as I don’t mind sharing certain tidbits of my life with you, I cannot divulge any details of how that adventure went horribly horribly wrong. Suffice to say that the consequences of my lapse in judgment left me feeling like a huge LOSER…something I’ve never felt before…at least not consciously…and with so many witnesses.
The good news is that my pity party ended when my wonderful aunt told me that I was merely growing up and that it was normal to go through a few rotten apples before finding a good one…the bad news is that I need to find another orchard.
Despite the fact that my aunt’s insights encouraged me to stop feeling sorry for myself, I continued to feel incredibly disgruntled. Upon reading my previous columns, I now realize just how much. If I wasn’t complaining about lesbians’ bad behaviour, I was ranting about how they can and should be healthier emotionally and spiritually. I offer you my sincerest apologies. Whining and raving aren’t the best ways to encourage constructive communication and positive growth.
The lesson I had to relearn over the summer and fall is that I can only help myself in regards to being a better human being. We all have our paths to travel. While some roads are harder than others, for some people, they’re the very roads that need to be explored in order to learn and grow and become better human beings. I’ve had to travel this path more than once in order to FINALLY understand this.
What I’ve also come to truly appreciate is that while I can offer guidance to people while they’re on their respective journeys, I can’t allow myself to feel frustrated, angry, or disappointed if I think they’re going the wrong way. Because the truth is: THERE IS NO WRONG WAY. As I stated before, there are harder ways, but those might just be the paths some of us need to go down. Goddess knows I’ve traveled on quite a few of them myself to get to where I am today. And to be perfectly honest with you, and especially with myself, I have many more roads to travel.
Which brings me back to my introduction; I take a lot of comfort and joy in knowing I am loved by friends and family, and at various points in my life, even by some ex-girlfriends…but I should also take pleasure in the fact that I love and have loved these people as well, no matter how ineptly.
I can even broaden that love to encompass the people who have hurt me, and who are no longer in my life. I wish them all the best. They have their own paths to travel, and I can’t be angry with them for not being on the same one as mine. My path is just that: mine.
So saying, while I’m on this current path, I’m letting go of my anger, my hurt, and my disappointment. I may not be able to embrace everyone’s choice of journeys, but I can at least wish and hope that every difficult path will eventually lead to an easier one.
If the measure of a person is truly determined by how much she loves others, then I offer my HEART to the Universe, and pray that everyone, me included, will travel the paths we need to in order to find enlightenment…and a healthy orchard.
wow…you seem very grown up.
I interpret the few posts I’ve read of yours as an over-arching philosopy of like attracts like.
True.
It all just boils down to that. Water seeks its own level. Period.
It’s exactly what I’ve learned. (I’m a forty year-old lesbian who has been out for twenty years.)
Don’t spend time with people, as friends or otherwise, if they don’t meet your standards.
Bad habits (and good) are picked up by osmosis. And, if you can’t find any lesbians you respect, spend time alone until you meet some!