I’m sure most of you will be shocked at this admission: I…AM A GEEK. Ok…so you’re not that shocked. If a movie, book, or television show even remotely gives off a whiff of fantasy, science fiction, or super heroishness (it’s a word you can use it) I get a tingle in my YESYES parts. And no, that tingle isn’t a recurring rash.
Here is a mostly harmless geeky fantasy for you: Like any abnormal child with an overactive imagination, I used to daydream about being a hero. However, because I discovered at an early age that I had a fear of heights, two weak ankles that twisted easily, and an inability to move objects with my mind, I resigned myself to playing the ever important role of sidekick. Don’t laugh! Sidekicks rule! Without them I wouldn’t be using catch phrases starting with the word HOLY.
When I was about 5 years old, I first imagined I was Superman’s sidekick. I imitated him by wearing the same red rubber boots every day, no matter what cute outfit my mother picked out for me. Much to my parents’ chagrin, if it was sunny out, I wore nothing but the boots…which strangely enough is a habit I still can’t break.
When I was six, I then imagined I was the Bionic Woman’s sidekick. I got so good at making the sound effect indicating that Jaime Sommers was running really fast (http://www.audiosparx.com/sa/play/play.cfm/sound_iid.247761) that I convinced myself I really was bionic. Of course going around the house in slow motion was the complete opposite of being bionic, but my mother kept up the illusion by saying she had bionic eyes and that’s how she was able to see me running.
When I was seven, I then thought I could sidekick for Kelly Garrett, my favourite Charlie’s Angel. When she got shot in the head and almost died, I remember being heartbroken and thinking I had failed her somehow by not protecting her. I decided to give up the sidekick business for a few years.
I reinstated my sidekick status at the age of 12 when I discovered Jem and the Hollograms. I wanted to be in their band so badly. However, because my musical talents hadn’t progressed beyond playing the triangle, I decided to be a faithful groupie and swore that I would never tell the Misfits about Jerrica Benton really being Jem.
When I was fourteen, I had a dream that I was the fifth member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mona Lisa. I looked really good with a shell on my back but I have to say that my ninja techniques left a lot to be desired. I was asked to leave the group.
When I was 16, I wanted to live underground with the Beast in New York City. I was a pale child anyway, so I really wouldn’t have needed that much sunlight. My goal was to get the Beauty, Catherine, to fall in love with me instead of Vincent. Not the most noble of sidekicks I must admit.
A year later, I really did fall in love with Linda Hamilton when she was kicking some Terminator ass in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. I still dream of her biceps…
At the age of 18, I dreamt on more than one occasion that I was trying out to be a member of the X-Men. My power was lame however, seeing that instead of being able to make ice shoot out of my hands, I could only make ice cream come out of them, and only vanilla at that. Again, I was asked to leave the group.
In my twenties, I fell in love with Buffy and wanted to help her and the Scoobies slay vampires and other assorted demons. I also really wanted to learn magic with Willow and Tara…
Of course I can’t forget Xena. I would have done anything for her if she promised to tie me up with her wh…never mind. I wouldn’t have wanted to break her and Gabrielle up. They were perfect together. Still, it would have been nice to learn how to do the Xena pinch and master throwing her Chakram.
Finally, I would be remiss to say that in my thirties, I do want to save the cheerleader and save the world…but the truth is I find it hard to care. Had said cheerleader been a lot older and a brunette however…
Which is why I’m more than happy to imagine the fate of Earth when thinking about helping any of the gals from Battlestar Galactica, whether they’re Cylons or not.
While I may never be a super hero, I know I would make an awesome and loyal sidekick. As for the tingle in my YESYES parts…well that’s me being a dedicated lesbian…without a rash…and some kick ass boots.
