Attic Tales

Naggers always know what they are doing. They weigh up the risks; then they go on and on and on until they get what they want or until they get punched. – Jools Holland

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Edith Summerskill

I’m currently suffering from one of the worst colds I’ve ever had in my life. While I’m fairly sure the medication I’m ingesting is what is inspiring me to want to own a panda; there’s a distinct possibility that I’ve just finally lost it. Either way, I hope this column is coherent.

Here’s a mostly harmless tale for you: My worst relationship was horrible because of the girlfriend always nagging me. I was nagged on what books I read; on how I did my laundry and put my clothes on a hanger; on how much I loved my goddaughters since they weren’t my biological children; I was even nagged on how I cut vegetables. It’s been almost 10 years since that last relationship, and I still feel bad because of the nagging and how it made me feel. I still can’t cut a fucking red pepper without imagining having my knife slip and accidentally stab my ex. Strangely enough; I’m ok with yellow peppers.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been known to nag too. I like to think of myself as a BIG PICTURE kind of person. I foresee what could be problematic on a short term and long term basis. Whether it’s insisting you go to bed at a reasonable hour because I know you’ll be tired in the morning; or encouraging you to eat an apple instead of a cookie because I know you’ll feel bad about the extra calories later; or remind you to brush your teeth before you go to bed because I know you’re having problems with your gums; I am a NAGGER as well. I admit it.

The nagging my ex-girlfriend did was aggressive. It was meant to put me down and make me feel bad about myself. The kind of nagging I do while more maternal; isn’t any better. It means a lack of trust on my part because I think my partner isn’t capable of making the right decisions for herself. As much as I felt completely disrespected with my ex, I recognize I’m demonstrating a lack of respect as well.

Regardless of what kind of nagger you are, nagging creates tension and resentment in a relationship. Your partner ends up feeling criticized, demeaned, and inadequate. She never feels good enough and might give up wanting to make any effort because she won’t ever meet your impossible standards.

So how do we avoid becoming chronic naggers?

As always, it comes down to being a constructive communicator:

• Share your feelings about how your partner’s inaction is affecting you.
• Focus only on one thing.
• Don’t lecture since this is practically the same thing as nagging. 
• Avoid starting your sentences with, “You always…” and “You never…” as this probably isn’t true.
• Ask your partner for what you want, don’t bark out orders.
• Never ask her for anything you yourself wouldn’t do.
• Try to come up with solutions with your partner. This is a partnership after all.

Nagging might be considered a way of showing someone you care. However, you and I both know there are better ways. Next time your partner forgets to pick up her socks off the floor yet again, hide them under her pillow. This is far less aggressive then wanting to stab her.

Editor’s note: As I finish writing this column, I’m at the end of my cold. I’m no longer hallucinating about wanting to own a panda because I’m off the meds. My sanity however, is still in question.