They say that one of the hardest things to do in life is to say you’re sorry. Well whoever they are…they know what they’re talking about…self-righteous know-it-all-bastards. Sorry.
Here’s a mostly harmless story for you: A few weeks ago, during my mother mayhem month (that’s what I’m calling it now), a young lady wrote me an email during which at a less stressful emotional time might not have bothered me as much. I won’t go into details but suffice it to say that a mere few minutes after writing her back, I got at least 5 emails from her apologizing for her actions…that’s how sorry she was…or slightly obsessive compulsive. Just kidding. Sorry.
Apologizing to people is hard. You first have to acknowledge you’ve done something wrong. Then you have to truly understand how much you hurt the person and process the guilt you feel for having done so. Then you need to make amends. Quite frankly, it’s a lot of work and I don’t why we go around pissing off people in the first place.
It takes a lot of courage to look deep within yourself and admit that your actions and words have caused another person to feel anger and pain. It’s like a big kick in the head and heart making you realize you’re not perfect in any shape way or form. I think that’s why a lot of us have such a hard time saying the words. Who needs to be reminded of how fundamentally flawed we are? I certainly don’t. I can remind myself all by myself thank you very much.
Besides courage, it also takes compassion. To truly say you’re sorry to someone, you need to take the time to understand not only why what you said or did hurt the other person, but you also need to recognize the negative emotional impact it’s had on the individual’s well being. When you truly realize how profoundly you hurt someone, the guilt can be both emotionally and spiritually crushing.
Get over yourself. J
This isn’t about you. It’s about the person you hurt. It’s about making amends, not about wallowing in self-recrimination. Whether the person is a co-worker, a friend, a lover, family, or just some random stranger whose foot you stepped on…you need to TAKE ACTION and the sooner the better.
I find following these steps helps me make proper amends to someone I hurt or offended:
- Why are you apologizing? In order to properly apologize to someone, you need to identify why you’re apologizing. A lot of times when you recognize the person is upset, it’s good to delve deeper as to why.
- Be sincere. Don’t just apologize so the unpleasantness will be over and done with. Let the person know exactly why you are apologizing so that he or she knows just how sincere and honest your apology is.
- Offer a solution. Since I’m responsible for the problem, it’s only fair that I try to come up with a solution to make sure I don’t make the same mistake twice.
So what happens if you’ve apologized and tried to make amends and still aren’t forgiven?
You need to accept the person’s decision. Sure you may feel horrible and want to see the matter resolved once and for all in order to alleviate your guilt…but again…it’s not about you.
If you truly feel you’ve done all you can do to make it up to the other person, then maybe all she needs is time. Saying you’re sorry is hard, waiting to be forgiven is harder. Be proud of yourself for at least being mature enough to accept responsibility for your actions…even if it means acknowledging those self-righteous know-it-all-bastards are right. Sorry.
Damn, sometimes I wish you were less right.