“Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love’s tragedies.” – Oscar Wilde
“It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.” – Brigitte Bardot
“When love becomes labored we welcome an act of infidelity towards ourselves to free us from fidelity.” – François de la Rochefoucauld
For years, cheating had always been a cut and dry issue for me. It was quite simple really: cheating was wrong and if you did it, you were a complete and total asshole. Non-negotiable. If you even tried to change my mind, I would have kicked you in the head. TWICE.
Here’s a mostly harmless tale for you: My second girlfriend cheated on me a few times and I forgave her. Most probably because I was madly in love with her; most likely because I had self-esteem issues; and most certainly because I was an idiot. As horrible as her actions made me feel, my perception of cheating has changed over the years. It’s no longer a black and white issue for me; instead there are many shades of scarlet.
I can hear you screaming at my computer screen as you read this. You’re thinking I’m saying it’s ok to cheat. Ideally, I would say no…no it isn’t. For certain scenarios however…perhaps it is:
Scenario 1:
I dated women whom through a combination of depression and anti-depressants had lost their libidos. Since sex was practically non-existent and I still very much wanted some, I had to become very creative with ways to please myself without straying from the relationships. However, no matter how hard I tried to stay positive and be understanding with what my partners were going through, inevitably, having no sex life did take its toll emotionally…and financially…I spent a whole lot of money on batteries and vibrators.
Scenario 2:
I knew a girl who had lost interest in having sex with her husband for a number of reasons that had nothing to do with him. Because he loved her, he never pressured her sexual relations; instead, he just masturbated a lot. Because he was spending long periods of time in the bathroom and in front of the computer, his wife got upset and told him that if she wasn’t going to masturbate, he shouldn’t either. Neither wanted to divorce one another, yet both refused to see a marriage counselor.
Scenario 3:
A work colleague of mine has a friend whose wife has severe Multiple Sclerosis. He has been lovingly taking care of her over the past 15 years since she is now practically incapable of doing anything for herself. His children, all adults, are encouraging him to see other women, albeit discreetly.
Now please remember I did say PERHAPS. I didn’t say these scenarios get you a get out of jail for free card. I’m merely stating that these three examples aren’t very black and white in regards to whether cheating is wrong or right. In an ideal world, everyone would be honest and enlightened, and there wouldn’t be dishonesty, hurt feelings, jealousy, or sexually transmitted diseases.
Of course in my ideal world, they wouldn’t have cancelled Pushing Daisies either.
So my lovely readers…what say you? Is there an acceptable scenario for a person to be unfaithful? Or are you of the mind that people who cheat are indeed assholes and should be branded with the letter A?
I think there can be a situation that can make almost anything seem reasonable. I think the individual has to look at what they would be gaining(losing) in a broad sense. At the same time, we aren’t robots(YET!) and we are often guided by passions and fears as much as by logic.
If we go by the idea that all sexual activity outside a current relationship is “cheating”, then no, there is no scenario where it is ok. Cheating means doing something wrong. Or something on a test to score higher. This places a moral judgement on the idea even before it is examined. Cheating is bad therefore it is never acceptable.
Can I think of a situation where it would be ok to have sex with someone other than my partner? Yes, if we start from the idea that the action is neither good nor bad until the circumstances are examined.
ok, I’m done with the theorizing. Truth be told I can’t think of a situation SPECIFICALLY where I would see it as being ok. But I know there are other planets out in space even though I can’t see them.
I read this question of the appropriateness of cheating as a questioning of the appropriateness of lying to a partner about sex outside of the relationship.
Are there instances when it is appropriate to LIE to your partner about sex outside of the relationship?
Would “lying” save the relationship? Or save the other person?
Does the “cheating” partner really know what is best for the other partner (i.e. in not telling them the truth)?
Can cheating make a relationship better?
I can think of 2 different scenarios:
1. One of my friends was starved for emotional and physical affection from her wife of 4 years. She went away on a retreat and ended up having everything but sex with another woman she didn’t know. Filled with guilt she came home and told her partner what happened. She didn’t want to lose her marriage, and tried to work on it. Months later when she was confiding with a friend who didn’t know her wife, things became very emotionally and physically intimate. Unlike the first experience, she said it showed her the possibility of an intimacy of emotions and feelings she never ever experienced with her partner. She never told her wife about the “second” (more emotional???) cheating. Instead, it acted as a catalyst for her (them) to end the marriage. (She and the other woman had no intention of being together in a relationship). In this instance, telling her wife would have only made the divorce that much more ugly.
2. I have another friend who “cheated” on her husband with a man who made significantly more money, and who was a significantly more satisfying lover. The other man was interested in pursuing a relationship with my friend. She was conflicted for a while, but in the end, ending the affair made her want to work harder at making her marriage work. She never told her husband, and I don’t believe she ever plans to. She now seems to be much happier with her marriage. Had she told her husband, he might not have wanted to continue the marriage, or it might have created new tensions in the marriage. If she is now much happier with her marriage…?
mucky area indeed.
hmmm…. things aren’t any clearer to me.
In both cases I would not (for various reason) have advocated them telling their partners. Perhaps were they strangers I would be less sympathetic?
I don’t know.
I guess it is the lying about the cheating that is of most troublesome to me. If lying/cheating aren’t totally synonymous terms, I’d like to think the “cheating” would be easier for myself to get over than the “lying”.
Here is hoping I never have to test that theory!!
Is it all right to cheat? Duh…! Although everyone knows the politically correct answer to such a question, some may actually believe that cheating, in certain circumstances, may be “borderline” okay. I was a true believer in for-ever-lasting love and hard core fidelity. But, as life has taught me, some situations have demonstrated shades of grey I never thought could explain such behaviour. But the biggest notion that needs to be understood is that although cheating may explain and be explain by issues in the relationship, it hardly justifies going behind someone’s back to find some kind of sexual relief. Cheating may explain many things but cannot and should never be justified to excuse the pain it causes to the cheated-on partner.
We then talk about honesty. As the saying goes “honesty is the best policy”… or is it? It is certainly honourable but does it really bring couples closer together? Knowing how to deal with the truth requires trust and maturity, which is rather rare among some lesbians. So in the end, it isn’t so much about infidelity but rather women’s capacity to deal with the truth. And the truth is that because of some dissatisfaction in the relationship, every couple is at risk.
Ally in Wonderland
P.S. By the way, great website!
You can debate all you want about the reasons for cheating or in which situations it might be “an option” but I still think cheating is wrong. That’s why it’s called cheating, not “option” or “variety”.
Those people who cheat and never tell their partners about it are cowards. They’re not thoughtful or considerate; they’re cheating, selfish, lying SOBs. The ones who cheat and say that their “marriage” has gotten so much better are full of it. How can you base your marriage on lies and betrayal? Is that normal or healthy? OR RIGHT? what a nerve they have!
If you’re in a relationship, your partner deserves at least your respect. If you are tired of your relationship… please, let the other person now and maybe end it. Don’t go behind their backs and then pull out the “honesty” card and break their hearts. Be honest before cheating. Tell them it’s not working for you anymore and that you want to fuck other people; we all deserve to know so that we can think what to do next for our own well being.
It will still hurt like a bitch, but that way you won’t betray your partner’s trust and you won’t disrespect the person you once loved the most in the whole world… you owe them that.