“In human relationships, kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths.” – Graham Greene
“Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts.” – Clare Booth Luce
“They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth.” – Plato
Back in the summer of 1998, I discovered that my second girlfriend had cheated on me with two men while she was away in South Africa for three months. When I confronted her, she said she was sorry…sorry she had gotten caught, not sorry she had hurt me because she felt I was overreacting. Isn’t honesty grand?
Here’s a mostly harmless hypothetical situation for you: You’ve been with your partner for a number of years, you’re both happy in the relationship, when suddenly one night she blurts out that over a year ago, she cheated on you. You’re wondering why she’s telling you this now when things seem to be going so well. Do you appreciate her honesty despite the fact that it hurts like hell and may destroy your relationship? Or do you prefer she not have confessed at all?
I think the real question to ask is what’s behind her motivation in telling you the truth? Is she confessing her sins so she can alleviate her guilt? Does she want out of the relationship? Or is she admitting what’s she done so that you can both work on rebuilding a solid foundation for your relationship?
If you’re going to kiss and tell, here are a few things you need to think about first:
• Acknowledge to yourself why it is you cheated in the first place. Make a list of reasons why you did and accept responsibility for your actions. Sure you might be having problems in the relationship, but what is it you could have done to make things better for yourself instead of being unfaithful and making things worse?
• Clearly communicate your frustrations to your partner. Just remember that at any second of the day, you could’ve communicated your discontent before you strayed.
• Be prepared for hurt and anger. You’re going to have to accept that it’s going to take time before your partner can forgive your actions. She is going to have to go through a whole range of emotions before she can get to the forgiveness stage. If you really do love her, and you want your relationship to work, continue to apologize and do what you can to ease her pain.
• Be prepared that your relationship is well and truly over.
• Be prepared period. If it isn’t over, come up with a solid plan that both you and your partner agree upon so you can help your relationship heal and become stronger.
It’s no secret that relationships require a lot of work. If you’re cheating because your affair seems less complicated; then you’re just being lazy. Life is as complex as you make it to be. A lot of times, problems can be solved by taking hard looks at ourselves and our relationships, asking the tough questions, and being brutally honest with our answers. Is this easy? Absolutely not! But if you ever really loved your partner, even if your relationship is in the crapper and on the verge of ending, don’t you think you owe it to yourself, and to her, to be honest about what’s making you unhappy?
If you feel your relationship is worth being saved, don’t you think working on serious and honest communication is the best approach?
Besides, do you really think an affair is worth an interlude with Glenn Close?
