A little over four years ago, my friends Dani and Elizabeth sat me down for what I like to call an EMOTIONAL INTERVENTION.
When I reflect upon this moment, I think I would have preferred they intervene in my life because I was an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or even because I was too promiscuous…well I’m actually hoping they would have been lenient on that last one.
Here’s a mostly harmless confession for you: It was an experience that left me emotionally raw for months. Imagine being told the truth about yourself from people you know would never lie to you, would never hurt you on purpose, and who are trying to be as gentle as possible in their honesty. Makes you shudder doesn’t?
Because I have nothing but the utmost respect for these two women, I processed this new unwanted information slowly but surely. I could either ignore what they had said, which isn’t necessarily in my nature, or make some profound changes in my life, which at the time was also not in my nature. However, in order to do the latter, I had to do some serious introspection. Did I mention it would have been so much more fun to analyze my life if I had been having way too much sex?
I grew up in a family where communication was non-existent, also missing was positive reinforcement. I became the kind adolescent, and later, adult, who was insecure, needy, and very eager to please. I was a doormat in all of my relationships, suffered from intense jealousy in my friendships, and consequently imposed upon loved ones my emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. My introspection brought me to this conclusion:
I WASN’T TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY LIFE.
When I came to terms with this horrible truth, I was then ready to make some thoughtful changes in the way I lived my life. The first one entailed having to cut down on my drinking. I’m already a loud person, when I drink I become even louder, not to mention obnoxious. Though I do have some funny moments (at least in my inebriated frame of mind) beyond three drinks I’m no longer quite in control of myself.
And yes, I also took the time to reflect on why I drank so much when I was around people. I’ve always been a social drinker, but I realized that when I was in a crowd, because I wanted to be liked, drinking calmed me down and made my inhibitions and fears magically disappear. It was liquid courage in a bottle. But like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz, I just needed to recognize that I always had courage. Once I understood this, I was ready to make the second major change in my life.
I needed to learn to be at peace with myself when I was alone. Being alone meant I was on my own with my thoughts, and for years I didn’t enjoy everything going on in my head. If my friends’ honesty was painful to hear, my so-called truth was cruel, unrelenting, and definitely had a tone in its voice.
Despite having hit puberty many years ago (at least I think I did…my voice is still squeaky and I’m nowhere near as tall as I feel) I recognized that I had a lot of growing up to do.
Growing up hasn’t been an easy road to travel, and I still have so much to learn so that I can become the BEST me I can be. I can honestly say however that I am in a good place in my life. I find myself to be in a healthy stable relationship; I’m not afraid to be alone with my thoughts; I’ve come to terms with some family issues; and I no longer rely on my friends to take care of me at all times.
However, after one glass of wine, I am still loud and obnoxious…but that’s just me and not the alcohol.
If I’m telling you all of this it’s because I want you to know that being healthy starts with being honest. I’m blessed to have friends who loved me enough to be honest with me since I didn’t have enough courage to be truthful with myself.
I hope after reading this you can find enough love for yourself to tell the truth and answer the hard questions as to why you’re being unhealthy…and though it might not be easy, I promise you, you do have the courage.
And to Dani and Elizabeth…if you ever read this:
Thank You! From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
Love the “font-acular”,
You are an amazing woman. Don’t ever forget that.
*hug*
You’re great. Just like I always thought!
E.