For a year I was a member of Toastmasters. I know this is going to be hard to believe, but even though I’m quite extroverted, I have a hard time speaking in public. I get very nervous when I have to make a speech, or present a project in front of a group, big or small. Toastmasters helped me with my nerves and improved my ability to be a better speaker. So saying, once I got my first Competent Speaker certificate I dropped out because I’d have to do a thousand speeches before I became a Master Speaker…plus I’m convinced the Club has cult-like tendencies.
I do public relations for an industrial valve company. I would love love love to say industrial vulva company but despite my best efforts, I have yet to find one. Can you imagine working in a place that designs gigantic vulvas? Sigh. Hello dream job.
On my first day of Toastmasters, I was asked to do the ICEBREAKER. It’s essentially a speech where I introduce myself and give people a chance to get to know a little bit about me. I had to speak for 5 minutes. Being the non-conformist that I can be, I didn’t want to talk about where I was born, my family, or my hobbies. I wanted people to get to know me through my profession. The company is rather big, and a lot of us don’t know what our colleagues do within their own departments.
I basically let them know, quite humbly I might add, that I SAVE THE WORLD. Not a lot. Not like Buffy, but just enough that they should express gratitude.
You see, as much as industrial valves are boring and do not compare in any shape way or form to industrial vulvas…or reasonable facsimiles…
…the truth is valves, like vulvas, are everywhere. And sometimes, valves, like vulvas, break down. And it’s part of my job, albeit a tiny part, to fix them…not the vulvas, but the valves. I confess that I know far too much about industrial valves, and if any of my exes were reading this, they’d tell you I don’t know enough about vulvas…but let’s not digress here and stick to the point. The point being that sometimes industrial valves break down, and I know how to fix them…sort of.
Imagine if you will an industrial valve in a nuclear plant. After many years of having toxic waste run through it, it has begun to disintegrate. It needs to be repaired. A Field Engineer Specialist will call me with every hope that I can prevent a nuclear meltdown from happening. Otherwise, toxic waste will come pouring out of the broken valve, contaminate the environment, and turn every living creature into a ZOMBIE. Like I said, use your imagination. It could happen.
Once I help identify what kind of industrial valve it is, because like the vulva, there are many different types, I quickly, and by quickly I mean in less than 5 minutes, send the helpless Field Engineering Specialist the proper maintenance manual so that he or she can commence repairs…hence preventing a nuclear meltdown…hence saving not only the Field Engineering Specialist…but THE WORLD…from this:
And of course…this:
You’re welcome.
I think I went to high school with one of those zombies