Every once in awhile I get an email from a lovely reader who will ask me a serious question…and every once in awhile I have a serious answer. Then I have to go out and do something immature to balance the scales.
Right after watching the Habs beat the Penguins 5-2, WOOHOO!, I read this email and felt I needed to respond this evening…so please forgive me dearest Goldfish if I’m overenthusiastic…call it hockey euphoria…which is strange since I don’t even like hockey…I know…weird right?
Here’s an abbreviated version of the email I received tonight:
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Dear Ms. Attic Tales,
So, I was wondering if you could possibly (in all your wisdom) clarify something to me:
Is it really possible to be so damn nice or so very good to actually get turned down or broken up with? ‘Cause now things are getting just plain ridiculous…
So, this girl I’m interested in told me that “I’m too good” and that she would be a really bad girlfriend to me, so, she wanted to spare me. And I understand that the true reason for turning me down is that she is not attracted to me and she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. In a way, it is not that bad since we’ve become really good friends.
Now, the other woman… ok… she’s attracted to me, I’m attracted to her. It’s damn obvious and we’ve talked about it. But then she tells me she’s been with this girl and this other one, and I’m like: WTF? why them and not me??!!!
I told her that I couldn’t understand why the girls I like go after these other girls who, in my mind, have nothing on me and they’re not mentally stable (highlight “not mentally stable”). Then she said: Maybe it’s because you’re too nice and we are scared to hurt you.
Give me a break! There’s no such thing as being too nice! Or, is there?
Anyway, if you wanna put this on your blog (cause I have a feeling I’m not the only one wondering about it), please feel free to do so. I was just too damn lazy to send you a real email. Sorry… I guess I’m not so nice after all… :p
Sincerely,
Goldfish
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Dear Goldfish,
I think the question to ask here is not why women aren’t attracted to you for being TOO GOOD but why you’re attracted to women who aren’t. After my ex broke up with me, I went on a really bad dating spree with a few women that made me realize that despite trying to be a good person (respectful, honest, a constructive communicator, etc.) I was still repeating a vicious cycle of dating the same type of women. That didn’t make me a bad person, but it certainly demonstrated that I had bad judgment.
Yes…it’s quite possible that these women are saying you’re too good because they want to let you down easy and don’t want to hurt your feelings…but it could just be that like you, they aren’t ready to settle down with a good woman. Until I took the time to recognize that I really truly deserved to be in a healthy relationship with a healthy person, I never looked twice at the so-called good girls.
I recommend that you stop comparing yourself to other women. You need to focus on yourself. It sounds like you’re already recognizing your own worth, so why not take the time to look at other women who do the same? You’ll recognize her…trust me. She’s the one who has her feet on the ground, who avoids drama, who isn’t bullshitting you because she’s not only being honest with you but with herself. She’s the woman who knows she deserves to be with a good woman, and who absolutely 100% wants to reciprocate said goodness.
I know we have no control over whom we lust and love…but when you find yourself in a healthy place and truly believe that you do deserve to be with someone who will treat you just as well as you’ll treat them, you’ll find her. You’ll stop having WTF moments, and have OMG ones. You’ll stop wanting to rescue or be rescued and find an equal partnership. You’ll follow, you’ll learn, you’ll grow and evolve, and want to become a better person every single second of the day. You won’t take anything for granted, and you’ll feel grateful and blessed.
Be nice and be good because that’s what makes the world a better place to live in.
Be nice and be good because to be anything less is disrespectful to your soul.
Be nice and be good and I promise…when you sincerely believe that you are indeed these things, you’ll have NICE and GOOD come into your life in a myriad of ways…perhaps in the shape of another goldfish to share your bowl…but without the scary shark fin.
Beautiful, I haven’t read you in a loooooooooong time and this was quite worth it! (Not that I stopped because of quality but time, busy busy, let’s catch up soon!)
While I totally agree on “focusing on good and nice”, “not comparing oneself” and “avoid rescuing and/or being rescued” parts, I disagree about the “we don’t choose whom we love” part.
I believe love is something we can choose to act on or not, may that be pursuing it or creating that image of the other one. (You know when we get infatuated and keep thinking about the other one, what she said what she did how pretty she is how nice it would be to kiss her etc etc)
Whatever it is we call love, I think it is rarely that “free-easy-going” incondituonal love that comes without actions or fantasies. (Not talking about friendship love or love for your family or kids here..!)
Cheers
Just 1 word: WOW…
This is one of those times in which you need to “hear” it straight up (or gay up for that matter) from someone completely neutral.
Thank you so much….
so very much. I’m having a great morning