I meant to blog about this yesterday and then completely forgot. November 19th was World Toilet Day, which may sound like people are getting desperate to celebrate just about anything; but completely got an edumecation once I read more on the subject.

Here are a few facts as to why the toilet should not be taken for granted. (Please note I’ve simply copied and pasted from other sources.)

• Nearly half the world’s population (2.6 billion people) do not have access to toilets and proper sanitation.
• Five thousand children die EVERY DAY from diarrhea related diseases.
• Women and children suffer disproportionately from a lack of toilets. Due to social edicts they are forced to wait until dark to find a place to privately defecate. Not only is not being able to regularly relieve oneself unhealthy, women fall victim to rape and violence because they must find dark, isolated places.
• Menstruation may seriously affect girls’ attendance, attention, and achievement in school in both rural and urban areas. The absence of clean and private sanitation facilities that allow for menstrual hygiene may discourage girls from attending school when they menstruate. In addition, if a girl has no access to protective materials, or if the materials she has are unreliable and cause embarrassment, she may be forced to stay at home while menstruating. This absence of approximately 4 days every 4 weeks may result in the girl missing 10 to 20 percent of her school days. Inevitably, it will be difficult for a girl who misses so much schoolwork to keep up.
• The planet is soiled with sewage, on land and sea. Our waste is the biggest marine pollutant there is, according to the United Nations Environment Program. In the developing world, 90% of sewage is discharged untreated into oceans and rivers, where its high nutrient content can suffocate the life out of seas, contributing to dead zones.

So…next time I’m on the toilet, I’m going to remember how truly lucky I am.

While this is hardly an original idea by far, I firmly believe we could get the United States of America out of it’s economic depression if every state would allow gay marriages to take place.

By doing some extensive research (at least 15 minutes worth), and some basic math (this is where things might get a bit fuzzy), I think I’ve proved beyond a doubt that if gay marriages were no longer illegal, Americans everywhere could benefit from a thriving economy.

According to www.theweddingreport.com, an average of two million couples get married every year. The average wedding costs about $29,000 to plan and execute, excluding the cost of engagement rings, which costs a little over $3,000.

Now let’s list the various industries involved in your average wedding:

1) a full-service wedding planner, if you can afford one, costs about $5,000 X 2 million = $10,000,000,000.

2) a wedding gown can cost anywhere between $3,000 and $6,000 without an extravagant budget, but let’s make it about $5,000 again because American like to super size X 2 million = another $10,000,000,000.

3) a wedding tuxedo can cost about $200 if renting, and $800 to buy if we’re talking quality. Let’s say we’re renting = $400,000,000.

4) a marriage license, depending on what state you live in can cost anywhere from $15 (Illinois) to $88.50 (Florida), but on average is about $30 X 2 million = $60,000,000.

5) a wedding reception venue costs on average $1200 X 2 million =$2,400,000,000.

6) catering costs can be as much as $125 to $150 per head, a small wedding is considered 50 people, a large one up to 300. So let’s say 150 people X $150 = $22, 500 X 2 million = $300,000,000.

7) flower bouquets + arrangements can cost up to $1500 X 2 million = $3,000,000,000.

if you have a wedding of 150 people, a wedding cake can set you back as much as $900 X 2 million = $1,800,000,000.

9) wedding rings will cost about $3,000 each = $6,000 X 2 million = $12, 000,000,000.

10) music at the wedding and the wedding reception, if you get  a professional dj or a live band will cost about $1100 X 2 million =$2,200,000,000.

11) let’s not forget the wedding invitations and the programs and the little tags that tell you where to sit, that will cost about $1000 X 2 million =$2,o00,000,000.

12) photographer and or videographer: $5000 X 2 million = $10, 000,000,000.

13) church or wedding hall + officiant fee: $800 X 2 million = $1,600, 000,000.

14) bride accessories (shoes, veil, makeup, hair, etc.) $4000 x 2 million = $8,000,000,000.

15) how the hell did I forget the alcohol? Let’s say $5,000 for champagne and 2 drinks per guest + open bar X 2 million = $10,000,000,000.

I know I’m missing a few items…but let’s just say we add this all up and it comes up to about oh I don’t know…a bazillion dollars.

Now multiply that by another let’s say 1 million gay couples who want to get married and voila…the American economy is saved…and if it’s still in trouble, well since only 50% of marriages last, then America can look forward to watching the economy grow thanks to money spent on divorce costs.

In conclusion, let gay people marry with the hope that they might eventually divorce, it’s a smart financial decision.

I love words. I love how the sound, how they roll off my tongue, how they have power, and how they are spelled. What I hate is not knowing what a word means. And the older I get, I recognize how small my vocabulary truly is.

A few weeks ago, my department’s graphic artist taught my boss and I this new word:

PARAPROSDOKIAN

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

Here are some examples of a paraprosdokian:

* “If I could say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker.” —Homer Simpson

* “If I am reading this graph correctly — I’d be very surprised.” —Stephen Colbert

* “You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing — after they have tried everything else.” —Winston Churchill

* “On his feet he wore … blisters.” —Aristotle

* “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx

* “A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” —Winston Churchill

* “She looks as though she’s been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say when.” —P. G. Wodehouse

* “I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” —Emo Phillips

* “He was at his best when the going was good.” —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor

* “There but for the grace of God — goes God.” —Winston Churchill

Don’t you feel a little bit smarter today?

You’re welcome.

Every once in awhile I get an email from a lovely reader who will ask me a serious question…and every once in awhile I have a serious answer. Then I have to go out and do something immature to balance the scales.

Right after watching the Habs beat the Penguins 5-2, WOOHOO!, I read this email and felt I needed to respond this evening…so please forgive me dearest Goldfish if I’m overenthusiastic…call it hockey euphoria…which is strange since I don’t even like hockey…I know…weird right?

Here’s an abbreviated version of the email I received tonight:

**

Dear Ms. Attic Tales,

So, I was wondering if you could possibly (in all your wisdom) clarify something to me:

Is it really possible to be so damn nice or so very good to actually get turned down or broken up with? ‘Cause now things are getting just plain ridiculous…

So, this girl I’m interested in told me that “I’m too good” and that she would be a really bad girlfriend to me, so, she wanted to spare me. And I understand that the true reason for turning me down is that she is not attracted to me and she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. In a way, it is not that bad since we’ve become really good friends.

Now, the other woman… ok… she’s attracted to me, I’m attracted to her. It’s damn obvious and we’ve talked about it. But then she tells me she’s been with this girl and this other one, and I’m like: WTF? why them and not me??!!!
I told her that I couldn’t understand why the girls I like go after these other girls who, in my mind, have nothing on me and they’re not mentally stable (highlight “not mentally stable”). Then she said: Maybe it’s because you’re too nice and we are scared to hurt you.

Give me a break! There’s no such thing as being too nice! Or, is there?

Anyway, if you wanna put this on your blog (cause I have a feeling I’m not the only one wondering about it), please feel free to do so. I was just too damn lazy to send you a real email. Sorry… I guess I’m not so nice after all… :p

Sincerely,
Goldfish

**

Dear Goldfish,

I think the question to ask here is not why women aren’t attracted to you for being TOO GOOD but why you’re attracted to women who aren’t. After my ex broke up with me, I went on a really bad dating spree with a few women that made me realize that despite trying to be a good person (respectful, honest, a constructive communicator, etc.) I was still repeating a vicious cycle of dating the same type of women. That didn’t make me a bad person, but it certainly demonstrated that I had bad judgment.

Yes…it’s quite possible that these women are saying you’re too good because they want to let you down easy and don’t want to hurt your feelings…but it could just be that like you, they aren’t ready to settle down with a good woman. Until I took the time to recognize that I really truly deserved to be in a healthy relationship with a healthy person, I never looked twice at the so-called good girls.

I recommend that you stop comparing yourself to other women. You need to focus on yourself. It sounds like you’re already recognizing your own worth, so why not take the time to look at other women who do the same? You’ll recognize her…trust me. She’s the one who has her feet on the ground, who avoids drama, who isn’t bullshitting you because she’s not only being honest with you but with herself. She’s the woman who knows she deserves to be with a good woman, and who absolutely 100% wants to reciprocate said goodness.

I know we have no control over whom we lust and love…but when you find yourself in a healthy place and truly believe that you do deserve to be with someone who will treat you just as well as you’ll treat them, you’ll find her. You’ll stop having WTF moments, and have OMG ones. You’ll stop wanting to rescue or be rescued and find an equal partnership. You’ll follow, you’ll learn, you’ll grow and evolve, and want to become a better person every single second of the day. You won’t take anything for granted, and you’ll feel grateful and blessed.

Be nice and be good because that’s what makes the world a better place to live in.

Be nice and be good because to be anything less is disrespectful to your soul.

Be nice and be good and I promise…when you sincerely believe that you are indeed these things, you’ll have NICE and GOOD come into your life in a myriad of ways…perhaps in the shape of another goldfish to share your bowl…but without the scary shark fin.

Geneviève,

I read your last column We don’t need an Emo Hero and I think despite the fact you feel you’re being honest and decent with people in regards to telling the truth about how they live their lives, you should just mind your own business. I know that sounds harsh but think about it, if you do this, you won’t agonize about making anyone feel ‘emotionally raw’. It’s a win-win.

Silence is a virtue in Sydney, Australia

Holy Crap! People are reading my columns in Sydney, Australia! If I promise to mind my own business, can I come and visit you and crash on your couch? No? Sigh.

Here’s the thing…I think too many people mind their own business because they’re afraid of the consequences. Our loved ones might get angry, or hurt, or never speak to us again. On the other hand, maybe they’ll lean something valuable about themselves, a hard-earned truth that leads them to a healthier path.

So saying, you’re absolutely right. I do need to mind my own business, which is why I’ve come to a compromise with myself. If a person asks me for my opinion, I’ll give it, but no more unsolicited advice…unless my instincts are screaming out that I really need to say something. And since I’ve come to trust my instincts, I think I’ll take the risk of making someone feel emotionally raw. And instead of agonizing over my actions, I’ll write about what I did, and you can write in and chastise me..or threaten to spank me. Either way, it’s a win-win.

Dear Geneviève,

Where are the best places to pick up in Montreal?

Eager Beaver in Montreal

Seriously? Eager Beaver? I suggest you make a t-shirt saying EAGER BEAVER and walk around in the village with it…you’ll do just fine.

Dear Geneviève,

What do you think of Katy Perry’s song I Kissed A Girl?

I liked it in New Jersey

I like Katy Perry’s song Hot and Cold but I Kissed A Girl…not so much. I think it’s just because she makes it sound like it’s still a naughty thing to do…besides, I hate cherry flavoured anything.

Dear Geneviève,

Why haven’t you been updating on a regular basis? Instead of once a week, you’re posting every two to three weeks.

Sorry about that. Work has been using up all of my brain cells. I’ve been feeling uninspired and unmotivated. The good news is that spring has sprung, and with the smell of dog poop in the air, my creative juices are beginning to flow again. Ah dog poop…a wonderful muse.

Dear Geneviève,

Are you ever going to do more Penis Schmenis strips?

Wow! I haven’t posted anything since September. Shame on me! I’ll see what I can do in the next few weeks. The girls have been very quiet so I’ll see if I can poke and prod them…without them filing a sexual harassment suit.

Dear Genevieve,

Are you still polyamorous? My wife and I are looking for a third person to join our happy family. We’ve been reading your columns since the beginning, and we both feel you share the same values as we do so we’d get along really well. Plus, we think you’re really sexy.

Three isn’t a crowd in Toronto

Dear Three,

*blush* *blush* *giggle* *giggle* but no. Thanks anyway. While my brief stint in poly land was invaluable, helping me realize I’ve overcome a lot of my insecurities, it also confirmed that I’m a one gal at a time kind of gal. Besides, you need to remember that I don’t divulge everything about myself in my columns…there’s a whole slew of things about me that I’m sure would make you change your mind about adopting me into your family. For example, I like to walk around naked with my socks still on. Got a visual? Changed your mind? I understand.

Dear Genevieve,

You seem like someone who really works hard at keeping her shit together. You do a lot of self-analysis, aren’t afraid of accepting responsibility when you’ve fucked up, and honestly communicate what’s going on in your head and your heart…so how come your love life sucks? If you can’t find love, what chance do we have?

Sucker in San Diego

Dear Sucker,

Again, please remember I don’t divulge everything about myself in my columns. While I’m happy with the progress I’ve made in the past few years for becoming a happier healthier ME, I don’t always have my shit together.

As for my love life sucking, well…as my friend Laura once told me…every woman I date prepares me for the next one. I’m confident I will one day find love…and so will you…just don’t walk around the house wearing only socks….otherwise you really won’t have a chance.

Dear Genevieve,

How long have you been celibate again? I’m going on 3 months and it’s driving me crazy. How do you cope?

Horny as hell in Nevada

Dear Horny,

It’s been 604 800 minutes…but who’s counting? I’m going through this dry spell because I’m being punished for a lie I told back in my early twenties. I convinced a fellow student that her hymen would grow back after a year of celibacy. What did you do?

Try not to see celibacy as a bad thing…just because you’re not having sex with someone doesn’t mean you can’t have sex in your life. Find fun ways to get yourself off:

·         Buy new toys.

·         Read erotica.

·         Discover new porn sites.

·         Go to workshops and learn new sexual practices.

·         Be open to new experiences.

But please again people, I can’t stress this enough…don’t walk around the house naked with your socks on…you’ll never get laid that way.

Dear Genevieve,

You sound and look like a high maintenance femme, and after reading your blog about pet peeves, I think this confirms my theory.

Low Maintenance Butch in California

Dear LMB,

Ever since I posted my list of pet peeves, my so-called friends have been calling me high maintenance as well. I don’t think having high standards when it comes to being polite, keeping a clean house, and maintaining good hygiene makes me high maintenance. I think these are basic things we should all look for in a girlfriend. Sure, asking a gal to match her socks may seem a bit demanding, but I just think it makes me quirky and cute…am I right people? Anyone? *sigh*

**
Dear Genevieve,

Sad in Mexico

Dear Sad,

6. Depending on how good or bad the relationship was, I tell myself that I will eventually get over her, or that I’m better off without her. I repeat this over and over again…until one day…it actually rings true. And yes, I wish that day would come sooner.
**
Dear Genevieve,

Curious in Kentucky

Dear CIK,

Um…this is awkward…you’re not asking me what I think because you’re planning on proposing are you? If so, I’m sorry but I’ll have to turn you down ever so gently. Believe me, I’m quite flattered…especially since there are vicious rumours circulating that I’m high maintenance. I’m not a big believer in marriage. Rather, I’m a big believer in commitment to a relationship. I want to give my 100% best at all times. However, I could never say to a girlfriend that I promise to be with her forever, unless of course she never ever did anything to set off my pet peeves.

Holy Guacamole…I’ve been getting a lot of emails from people asking me about my marriage…who knew that this would upset so many of you?

Here are just a few of the questions and statements that have landed in my inbox these past few days:

• How can you call yourself a lesbian, and give advice to lesbians, if you were married to a man? You’re a hypocrite!

• You were married? To a man? Really?

• So were you bisexual and then became a lesbian or were you straight and then decided to be one?

• AHA! You’re not a gold star lesbian! I knew you slept with men before you slept with women. My best friend owes me $20!

• We all do stupid things in our early twenties…it’s nice to see you came to play on our team.

Mon Dieu! Lovely ladies…thou hath shocked the hell out of me. With some of these comments, one can justify why people still equate lesbians as being man-haters.

To make a long story short, I married a guy in order to help him become a Canadian citizen. He knew I was gay before we married. He was allowed to have his mistresses, and I could have mine. The reason for our divorce is because after 11 months into our marriage, he thought I should perform my wifely duties (cook, clean, and have sex with him). He justified this mindset stating that he really didn’t think I was gay.

Here are a few other fun facts:

• I’ve known I was gay since I was 18.
• I’ve never had sex with a man, despite the fact that I did sincerely try twice in the span of 2 years…I’m slutty that way.
• Both men received numerous apologies for a lack of a good time.
• Even if I were bisexual or an ex-heterosexual, I don’t think this would make me any less “qualified” to give lesbians my two cents.
• My marriage was one of the least stupid things I did in my twenties.

That’s it for this week’s edition of You didn’t ask but I’ll tell you anyway. Stay tuned when next week I’ll discuss other stupid things I did in my twenties…or not.
 

 Dear Genevieve,

You never talk about bisexuals on your website. The queer community is not just about lesbians you know.

People Person

Dear PP,

Please give me a few minutes because now I’m giggling uncontrollably at your acronym. Ok…I’m better now. I only feel comfortable writing about what I know…and I think I’ve proven over these past few months that I know very little. So saying, I’m not bisexual and don’t feel comfortable talking out of my ass on the subject. However, I will be covering in a future Mostly Harmless column how lesbians treat bisexuals in our community. It won’t be pretty, but it will be honest.

***
Dear Genevieve,

You talk a lot about emotions in your columns, but when are you going to start talking about sex? When are you going to give us the dirty sordid squishy moist details?

Lustyboi

Bad boi!
 
If I’m not getting any, you’re not getting any either.

***
Dear Gen,

Can I call you Gen? I’m a bit shy and find it hard to talk to women. What do you suggest?

Dear if you want my advice don’t ever call me Gen again,

I’m a natural extrovert so I’m trying to put myself in your shoes as a shy person. If you can’t strike up a conversation with a woman, try smiling at her first…maybe even a dorky little wave at the person whose attention you’d like to get? A smile and a tiny wave aren’t too bold or too aggressive.

If you feel you still can’t do this, I would ‘accidentally’ trip and bump into someone. And before you ask, yes I’ve used that technique before. It works. 

***
This wraps up this week’s YDA. All sarcasm aside, I want to thank everyone who does take the time to write in with their questions. You’re all a bit masochistic and that’s why I’m terribly fond of you.

 Yo GSG!

What u got against younger women? We is hot and flexible.

Signed,

18 is LEGAL!!!

Dear have you even graduated from high school yet,

I meet more than my share of lovely libidinous lasses on a daily basis. These nubile nymphs can certainly titillate and tantalize but I prefer to be seduced and stimulated by wise witty women my own age. It’s just who I am: an old flatulent fart.

In other words, I can’t fizzle with your shizzle cause that’s the way I roll. Word to your mother. Yo.

***
Miss Grenier,

Can you please explain to me why you feel it’s necessary to tear down our lesbian community? Every time I read your columns, I get so mad because I feel you never say anything positive about lesbians. Why are you so angry?

Signed,

TIRED OF FRUSTRATED LESBIANS

Dear Miss the point,

Do you think it’s a bit funny that you are mad lesbian because you think I’m a mad lesbian? No? Ok then. I’ll answer your question.

I am a bit frustrated. I don’t think there is actually a lesbian community. To me a community implies that we all get along and help one another. While I don’t doubt that lesbians would join forces to create a super hero league in times of great need; we would quickly disband as soon as we saved the world and started dating one another.

Like any “family”, we are indeed dysfunctional and I try to see the humour in that. However, there are days where I feel less inclined to laugh and feel that it’s necessary to give every lesbian, including myself, a good kick in the butt to help us become emotionally healthier.

I would love to promote being physically healthy as well, but that would make me a hypocrite.

Though I realize I can by cynical, I am being honest, and I encourage you and every other lesbian to be just as honest, not only to others, but more importanly, to yourselves.

Why do we do what we do? I want to explore and deconstruct THE LESBIAN. And while I do this, I’m hoping to not only teach you new things, but learn a few lessons along the way.  

I don’t want to tear down the community. I want to build it up.

And once we’re all emotionally in a really healthy place, I want to have sex with everyone one of you…that way it’ll be my turn to be tired, but a lot less frustrated.

***

This wraps up another YDA. Tune in next time and I’ll give you my recipe for rhum and coke…damn it…I just gave it away.

Happy Holidays lovely ladies! I’m off to New Brunswick to spend time with my family so my posts will be a bit irregular.

 Remember, if you drink, don’t drive a stick…or a car either.

Thank you for reading Mostly Harmless and Penis Schmenis. I truly am humbled and grateful for your positive feedback and support.

 Genevieve