Meet Sue Johanson. Sex expert.

This incredible 80 year old Canadian has been a sex educator to young adults and older ones for almost 40 years.

In 1972, she opened up a birth control clinic in a high school; the first of its kind in Canada. She then went on to give presentations on college and university campuses to sold out auditoriums, educating students on how their bodies function, how sex can be pleasurable if done properly and respectfully, and always, on how to practice it SAFELY.

From 1984 to 1998, Sue hosted her own radio talk show Sunday Night Sex Show that gained so much popularity it went from one hour to two so she could answer as many listeners’ questions as she could.

From 1996 to 2005, Sue transitioned to television with a show by the same name, where viewers could call in as well and learn the answers to these types of questions:

Can my partner get athlete’s genitals if I stimulate her vagina with my feet when I have athlete’s foot?

How do I get rid of semen in my moustache?

And the always popular…Will the tip of my husband’s penis damage the baby?

All kidding aside, I wish there were more Sue Johansons in the world. AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise, not only among homosexuals, but heterosexuals too,  and both men and women alike.

Sure at first you might think it’s a bit disturbing to learn about anal fisting from someone old enough to be your grandmother, but this woman knows her stuff…which is more than I can say about the rest of us.

1. If the world really did have super heroes, would they actually be able to solve humanity’s problems?
2. I miss my girlfriend. And yes, I realize I should have put that one first.
3. July was a really bad month for shopping. I wonder if the planets were aligned to make it so?
4. I like Salt. The movie, not the condiment.
5. How will I ever have enough money to buy a house?
6. I really do miss my girlfriend.
7. My apartment needs to be cleaned. I have company coming over tomorrow. I’d rather play Shakes & Fidget.
8. There’s a mini virus on my computer. Why won’t AVG detect it?
9. Every time I shave my legs, I always miss a patch.
10. Bed bugs are becoming a real problem in New York, on airplanes, and in movie theaters.
11. Chlorophyll is the best.
12. I’m wearing a Let’s be Superfriends t-shirt my girlfriend gave me. It’s my favourite. It makes me miss her even more.
13. No. I haven’t been drinking I assure you.
14. I just spotted some comic books I haven’t read yet. Yay!
15. I should go to bed.

I was asked by the lovely Candy Parker of GAY e-magazine to write a mini-essay for the August issue.

This is what I came up with:

How Ellen DeGeneres ruined our secret gay lives

Enjoy! And if you feel like making a donation to the e-magazine, don’t be shy!

Years ago, one of my exes would get really annoyed with the way I chopped vegetables. I cut them too chunky for her liking. She wanted smaller bits. I would calmly explain that since I was the one making supper, she shouldn’t aggravate the person with the big fucking knife.

Cutting chunky vegetables wasn’t the only thing I did that irritated her; she didn’t like the way I folded my pants, the books I read, my friends, my emotional attachment to my goddaughters, and that I didn’t always want to buy my clothes at Value Village.

All of this leads me to la Question du Jour: How do you deal with a girlfriend who feels like everything you do is wrong?

How I dream about being a Yenta and becoming a professional matchmaker. My life would revolve around observing people and recognizing if they have any chemistry with one another, hence satisfying another dream: being a professional stalker.

Here are two mostly harmless questions for you: Does LOVE sometimes need a little nudge? Or should She just be left alone to her own devices?

I love to watch people fall in love. Granted most of the time I’m watching people fall in lust, then eventually fall in love; but the whole process to me is heartwarming. I become one great big gigantic mushball. I’m even worse now that I’m in a happy and healthy relationship. I just want everyone to have what I have. Well not my actual Sunshine but you know what I mean.

So what is a Cupid Wannabe suppose to do when she sees two people attracted to each other but aren’t doing anything about it? The intelligent answer would be to of course to MIND MY OWN FREAKING BUSINESS. However, we all know that this website doesn’t promote that kind of crazy train of thought.

So…despite the fact that I am by no means an expert on seducing the ladies (consider the fact that I talked about Cheese Wiz and foot fungus right before Sunshine kissed me for the first time) allow me to offer some advice on how to approach that cutie pie who has been making eye contact and smiling at you on and off again for the past 30 minutes.

1. Make eye contact and smile back at her. If you need help with this technique, you can read Cruisin’ for a Bruisin…or Vivre la Révolution! for tips.
2. If you’re too shy to introduce yourself, get someone else who knows her to do it for you. But seriously…life is too short. Go introduce yourself! Just state your name, and give her a firm handshake. Remember firm! You will be judged on the strength of your grip. Well probably not, but it does make a good first impression.
3. If you’ve already been introduced then talk to her. Ask her about herself. Determine if you have anything in common and elaborate on these topics to establish a connection. DO NOT TALK ABOUT CHEESE WIZ OR FOOT FUNGUS! Unless she brings up these subjects…which I strongly doubt she will.
4. If you’re feeling shy, let her take the lead. If she’s feeling shy too…smile some more. Ask yourself if you feel comfortable with her when there’s a pause in the conversation. Silence can really say a lot if you’re listening.
5. Focus on her non-verbal responses. Is she moving closer to you to talk? Or moving away? If you “accidentally” touch her arm, does her body go rigid, or is she relaxed? Is she continuing to make eye contact with you? When she sneezes or coughs does she do so in her arm and not in her hand? (Hygiene is important.)
6. Show her you’re thoughtful and considerate. Offer to buy her another drink, or get the bowl of chips&pretzels refilled. If you’re standing outside and it’s raining, share your umbrella. (Je ne pouvais pas résister chère V. xox)
7. Don’t light her cigarette. Smoking is a nasty habit and I can’t encourage it.
8. It’s ok to feel nervous, scared, and sometimes nauseated. Try not to put any pressure on yourself. When you think about it all you’re doing is getting to know someone better.
9. Try to see her insides, not just her outsides. I’ve lost count of the number of times LUST has blinded me to a woman’s true character.
10. Be yourself. Whether you’re suave and debonair, or klutzy and funny, just be you. If she’s your Soul Mate, she’ll like you for who you are.

Most of the time LOVE should be left to her own devices…but I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving her a wee bit of a nudge…just not the kind where you slip a ruffie in her drink.

I’m not a nostalgic person. My adolescence was spent being angry and confused. My twenties were spent being angry, looking for love, being in love, getting my heart broken, and going back to being angry again. My early thirties were spent analyzing my twenties and being passive aggressive, which is another way of saying being angry.

Here’s a mostly harmless reflection for you: The way we look at our past depends on our state of mind in the present. When I’m sad, I feel as though all of my baggage is coming back to haunt me and I thoroughly chastise myself for the bad decisions I made when it came to money, love, relationships, career choices, and now these past few months, weight gain.

I call these moments emotional ruts.

It’s very difficult to snap out of one when we’re feeling helpless, bitter, alone, misunderstood, frustrated, stupid, and an onslaught of other negative emotions that serve only to make us feel sorry for ourselves. We enhance the bad memories by a thousand to ensure we have enough ammunition for the dark clouds over our heads.

To make things even worse, we not only berate ourselves for our wrong choices, but we also start doubting every single good thing that’s ever happened to us.

We question the sincerity of a compliment, a loving exchange, a thoughtful gesture, a shared moment of happiness.

We rewrite our past to fit our darkest mood.

When my doom and gloom room in my head threatens to take over my whole brain as well as my heart, I have to firmly remind myself of one thing: I should look back at my past negative experiences and be grateful for them because I’ve learned very profound life lessons; ones that have made me the person I am today.

I have learned from my past:

That forgiveness gives me freedom of mind and spirit. Understanding brings me to interconnectedness with others. Compassion should follow me wherever I go. Laughter will get me through the hardest of times. Acceptance is not the easiest of routes to travel but will lead me to happiness so much faster. Anger needs to be expressed but with gentleness. Communication is and always will be my best ally. Love can be felt and expressed in a million different ways.

I’m not a nostalgic person but if I have to look upon my life…even when I’m not feeling so great in the present…I have been blessed. And I sincerely hope that in your present, you will too.

As I write this, I’ve been dating my Sunshine for 13 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days. I have yet to meet her family, who live out in British Columbia; which is why I must admit I’m more than a bit nervous at having received a request by Sunshine’s mother, Mama Sunshine, to be friends on Facebook.

It’s not that I have anything to hide. One has only to read my blog to know that my life is very much an open book. The people who’ve met me know that I’m geeky, goofy, grumpy, generous, and gregarious…and seem to have a fondness for words beginning with the letter G.

My worry stems from the fact that I have a link to Attic Tales on my Facebook page. If Mama Sunshine is remotely curious as to what kind of person I am, she could click on the link and read about all the crazy things that go on in my head and then share them with Papa Sunshine. I ask myself if this will make a good first impression on Sunshine’s parents?

I know I’m not dating Papa & Mama Sunshine. I’m dating their daughter. But call me old-fashioned, I think it’s important to get the parents’ stamp of approval; especially when everything I’ve heard about said parents are good things.

I’ve never met them so I have no idea what their expectations are in regards to a partner for their daughter. Maybe they want her to date a lawyer, a doctor, or a taxidermist. Maybe they’d prefer she date a boy or someone taller. I’m personally hoping they secretly want their daughter to date someone who isn’t afraid to tell her she enables her cat, in which case I’m the gal for her because she totally does.

“Gilbert holds you back!” – Papa Sunshine

I couldn’t agree more.

All I can promise Papa Sunshine & Mama Sunshine is the same promise I made to their daughter. I will give my 100% to this relationship, and on the days where I’m not, I’ll accept responsibility for my actions, and communicate constructively as to what I can do to improve the relationship and contribute to Sunshine’s happiness. After all, I’m committed to making this partnership a healthy one.

I don’t know whether Mr. & Mrs. Sunshine will ever read this blog. But just in case they do…I really hope they don’t want their daughter to date someone taller. ..or a taxidermist.

In life, there are three kinds of truth that exist:

1. The truth that we choose to invent and distort because it is convenient for us.
2. Other people’s truth, which can be extremely inconvenient.
3. And then the simple truth, the one that waits for us to discover it, understand it, and finally accept it.

Here’s a mostly harmless not so much surprise for you: I’m a big believer in telling the truth…but it is my truth, convenient for me and inconvenient for others. The lesson that I’m learning is that no one really wants to hear the truth. The lesson we all must learn is that eventually the truth will find a way to make itself known. Just look at this guy:

What we do with the simple truth: understand it and accept it, or reject it and go back to our own or even others, is really up to us. Every single second of the day we have the power to look inside ourselves and discover the truth as to why we are behaving the way we do; why we repeat unhealthy patterns; why we aren’t giving our 100% in making our lives joyful and peaceful; why we aren’t making the world a better place to live in.

Being honest with others is a breeze compared to being honest with ourselves. It takes a lot of hard work, tough questions, and brutal answers to find our inner truth. Most of all, it takes commitment and discipline.

It’s so very easy to bury our truth in denial, lies, and drama. How can we be expected to take the time to be honest with ourselves when we’re angry, hurt, wronged, and sad? No one wants to take a good look at themselves during a dark moment and acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, perhaps there is a teeny tiny itsy bitsy little possibility that we are responsible in some small minuscule practically microscopic way for the state our lives find themselves to be in.

No thank you. We’ll pass.

Yet I can’t help but think what an incredible disservice we do to our souls by not being honest with ourselves. All the missed opportunities, the positive moments, the reality that life can be so much better than what it is RIGHT. NOW. AT. THIS. EXACT. SECOND. IN. TIME.

All because we didn’t want to tell ourselves the truth. Because the truth is scary, requires work, makes us do introspection, and take responsibility for our actions.

I have to be responsible for me, my actions, my words, my thoughts, my feelings; and I have to be truthful while doing so. I have to be committed and disciplined to find my inner truth.

That’s a hell of a lot to ask of myself.

And yet…

I truly believe I’m worth it.

We are all worthy of being the BEST people that we can be, and that starts with one single step:

The more I read about all the failed attempts to stop more crude oil from regurgitating into the ocean the more discouraged I become. With all of our technological advances to extract oil from around the globe, how is it that we have yet to develop the know-how to ensure these kinds of mishaps do not repeat themselves?

Not that we should be dependent on oil in the first place.

So how can I offset my environmental apocalyptical anxiety with greenly goodness this time? I have a million things I need to incorporate into my life, and believe me when I tell you that I am committed to doing them…yet still…I can’t help but think what the hell is the point when millions of gallons of crude oil are making our waters toxic.

Then I bitch slap myself.

Every single environmentally friendly action from just one single individual makes a difference. If not directly on the planet, hopefully karma wise at least. So here’s what I’m doing this time around to reduce my ecological footprint:

I’ve been paying my bills online for a number of years now, but I have yet to ask my credit card and utilities’ companies to send me electronic invoices, I still receive paper ones.

As of today, I have made all the necessary requests to only receive electronic copies of my bills. NO MORE PAPER.

It’s easy. It’s painless (no more paper cuts.) It reduces the amount of paper being used. And it means I pay my bills more efficiently and on time because I haven’t lost the bill under stacks of books (not that I’m messy…well I am but that’s not the point.)

So who’s with me?

And while we’re at it…for those of you still using tampons, let’s put a stop to that too. We’ll just gather them all up together, create one giant phallic looking tampon, and go plug the hole.

A few weeks ago, my lovely friend Mélanie, whom I haven’t seen in a very very longtime, disagreed with me when I said in an earlier post that we couldn’t control with whom we fall in love/lust.

Mélanie said, “I believe love is something we can choose to act on or not, may that be pursuing it or creating that image of the other one. (You know when we get infatuated and keep thinking about the other one, what she said what she did, how pretty she is, how nice it would be to kiss her, etc, etc.)

Whatever it is we call love, I think it is rarely that “free-easy-going” unconditional love that comes without actions or fantasies.”

Needless to say this got me thinking…which is never a good thing.

When I look back at the people that I have loved, I always had the option to walk away before I ever became emotionally invested. But either hormones or my heart, and sometimes a combination of both, prevented me from doing so.

Which leads me to la question du jour: Do you think you can act on whether you should love/lust someone or not?