Attic Tales

I’m off to New Brunswick to visit my Grand Maman, and this time I’m going to do everything in my power to avoid watching the weather channel.

I wish you all the happiest of holidays. I hope you get to spend time with your loved ones. And if you can’t for whatever reason, spend the time remembering all the many things you like and love about the people in your life. You can also write these things down and offer them as presents when next you see one another. Man…Martha Stewart ain’t got nothin’ on me.

I’ll see you in the New Year lovely readers.

GG

Anyone who has the pleasure (and displeasure) of knowing me will readily testify in a court of law that I love to generalize. I do it all the time. I even begin most of my sentences by saying “I know I’m generalizing but…”. I can’t tell you how much my generalizations on any given topic annoys my friends and loved ones. Hopefully not to the point where I don’t get Christmas presents this year… Continue Reading »

Technically, NaBloPoMo finished on the 30th of November, but I figured since I started on the 4th of November, I would end on the 4th of December, and declare myself victorious for having posted every day for a month…except that it’s now past midnight and the 5th. Fuckity fuck. Victory is not mine.

DAMN IT! I really wanted a pair of knitted socks from feral geographer. Continue Reading »

If you don’t know what to buy your lover, mother, sister, ex-girlfriend, grandmother, and your emo male hippy feminist friend for Christmas and you’re freaking out…well freak out no more:

Your eyes are not deceiving you…THE VAGINA NECKLACE has arrived just in time for the holidays.

It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

When I’m not trying out various deodorants, I’ve been told by a number of people who’ve been attracted to me over the years that I have a smell. A good smell. A smell of my own that actually drives both men and women to…um…how do I put this delicately…want to fornicate with me…right after they’re done sniffing me. Yes, my smell also provokes people into sniffing madness. I’m a sexy beast that way. Continue Reading »

A few years ago when I was getting tested for AIDS (I had a partner cheat on me with a man and just wanted to make sure I was ok) I asked the nurse if she was still getting a lot of gay men coming to see her since I had heard that sexually transmitted diseases in the gay community were on the rise…especially due to barebacking being so popular. She sighed and said yes…she was diagnosing an alarming number of young gay males in their early twenties who were HIV positive and under the impression that since there were so many cocktails on the market, they wouldn’t get full blown AIDS until they were well into their forties and by that time it wouldn’t matter since they’d be so old they’d rather die anyway.

Shocking attitude I know. Continue Reading »

Around six months ago, I got an email from my aunt discussing the unhealthy effects of antiperspirant. It scared the bejeesus out of me so much that I decided to try natural deodorant instead.

I’ve been testing out a few brands since I sweat like a pig and need something effective that will block odor if not my perspiration. The sweating I can handle…the smell not so much. I have a very very good friend at work who is on sniff alert when she’s around me. Her job is to say: “HEY STINKY PANTS! YOU STINK!” It’s a tough job but somebody’s gotta do it.

I’m thinking of looking into the crystal rocks to see if those might work better as I find that after 4-8 hours my deodorant does give out…and when I’m in the middle of a meeting, I can’t just reapply the deodorant like as if I was reapplying my chapstick…well I could…but that would be awkward…unless they were super supportive like these guys:

Um…yes there are. I cannot take any credit for these one-liners. I will however blame Babette, Rania, and Bich.

1. Do you have any diseases?
2. Either you lick it or I lick it. Which is it?
3. What are your breasts’ names?
4. How obsessed are you with cock?
5. What’s your take on stripper poles?

Sick sick people. I’m a lucky girl.

If you think New York taxis are scary, you’ve never taken Montreal transit.

In the 6 years that I’ve been living in this city, I’ve had some of the most terrifying experiences taking community transport. I’ve had to go through:

• the bus running out of gas (when I really needed to pee)
• the bus driver experiencing road rage and chasing a car down at 140km/h down a main highway (that was actually really exciting)
• the bus clipping another car (that was kind of funny but in a mean way)
• the bus having a flat tire (again I needed to pee)
• the bus keeping the front door open while the bus was moving (an old lady almost fell out of the bus)
• the bus driver getting mad and refusing to stop at the designated areas because he was late and screaming at the passengers to go ahead and report him since it would mean a day off with pay (I admired his honesty)
• the subway train breaking at every stop because of a new driver in training (only funny if you’re sitting down, less funny when you’re standing up and trying to read)
• the subway train stopping abruptly due to suicide attempts (sad and frustrating…especially when I need to pee, not that I want to sound unsympathetic)
• the subway train not moving because someone is keeping a door open (only really annoying if I’m PMSing, late for work…or…you guessed it…I need to pee)

Still, Montreal is a beautiful city…and I love living here…if only for the view and how easy it is to pee anywhere, anytime.

A big thank you to Maryse and Bich for introducing me to this cheese:

The goat cheese Le Cendrillon (The Cinderella) from La Maison Alexis de Portneuf  was recently crowned the best cheese in the world at the World Cheese Awards. Beating out 2,440 cheeses from 34 countries, this cheese went into the competition not expecting to get noticed…and lo and behold it was.

It’s delicious. DE-LI-CI-OUS.

Now I can’t say for sure whether this wine is a good match for this cheese, but may I suggest if you’re looking for a great red wine to try:

Again. DE-LI-CI-OUS. Fruity with tremendous depth. A lot like me.

Sorry I just got back from Happy Hour and that joke made me laugh.